Feelings of Failure - Jaezred and Rae
Oct 3, 2024 17:05:30 GMT
Jaezred Vandree, Marto Copperkettle, and 1 more like this
Post by Harry on Oct 3, 2024 17:05:30 GMT
Written with my dad Jaezred Vandree
As Rae packs some of their things up to head out to Port Ffirst on a job, they find a little jumping spider sitting on their windowsill, and it speaks in Jaezred’s deep voice:
“Rae, I…heard about what happened. I’m here to talk whenever you want to.” A pause. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” The spider then crawls away. They freeze for a moment, before hefting their pack over their shoulder and heading out the door.
Two days later, Jaezred receives a Sending. “I’m in Port Ffirst. Back to New Hillborrow in the morning. Are you in town? We should talk. I’m sorry too.”
A pause, then a rapid reply: “Yes. Meet me at the Thirsty Dragon?”
Rae turns up at the cat cafe, unfamiliar with most places in Port Ffirst they look around with a little uncertainty and find a seat. When Jaezred spots them, they look much healthier than last time they met. The glowing veins of magic have disappeared, their face is more full and healthy colour has returned to their face. They look exhausted, but more present, actively taking in their surroundings.
Jaezred steps over a roaming cat as he makes his way over to their table and sits down opposite them, smiling awkwardly. “Hello, Rae.”
Rae returns the awkward smile with their own, unable to hide a little bit of nerves. “Hi Jaezred.. Are you well? Keeping okay?”
“I am well. I went paddleboarding this morning. And yourself?”
"Yesterday I fought an avatar of a powerful being of the depths.. I'm still trying to get salt out of.. everything." They shudder and subconsciously wipe their arms.
“Well, that sounds…less fun than paddleboarding.”
The two of them sit there smiling blankly at each other. Jaezred subtly squirms in his seat. A white shorthair cat comes by their table and mews.
Rae sighs in the silence, then pushes the words out painfully. "I'm sorry Jaezred. I'm really sorry-" Saying it out loud pushes the feelings to the surface again and tears form in the corner of their eyes, they curse quietly. "You were right all along."
Jaezred's jaw clenches tight. "No, Rae, I... I shouldn't have said what I said."
“But you weren’t wrong. It took me too long to see it, it’s all been my ego. I see problems and I want to be the one to fix them. I have to. K’ul Goran, The Thousand Words, everything I’ve done here in Kantas.”
"The curse impaired your judgement. You'd been doing good in the world up until then..."
“But why? My driving force behind going after Antonia Warborn was that attempting to capture her the first time was my first failure at a job in Kantas. I failed and wanted to succeed. The curse didn’t create something from nothing, I wanted to save Keros through my own capabilities and I couldn’t let that feeling go. The book didn’t curse me the moment I picked it up. I chose to pursue the research within it knowing that it was a dangerous piece of work that led Kyra down a dark path. I thought I was better than her.”
Jaezred’s tall form deflates slightly as he sighs. “No. What you say is true. I should know better than to indulge in my reflex to coddle you — I share some of the blame for letting you go down this road unchallenged.” He pauses when a waiter comes by to set two cups of Underdark truffle tea on their table. “However, that does not make the things I’d said to you any less horrid. I…I did not like myself in that conversation, Rae. Reminded me of my father. I’d been careless and allowed myself to forget about the seed of evil within me.”
Rae looks to have some tension relieved from Jaezred admitting their guilt. They pick up the tea and blow on it gently before taking a sip. “I think I needed it.. But only some parts of it. And maybe not in that manner.” They pause for a moment, considering their words carefully. “I feel as though.. I’ve pushed you into a role you have never asked for. It’s unfair for you to put that pressure on yourself on how you should.. act around me.”
"I..." Jaezred swallows hard. "Yes. I'm afraid I'm not fit to be anyone's father, Rae. I've not the faintest idea what a good one looks like."
“I told Keros that the most important thing for him to understand once the curse was over was that I couldn’t let him believe that I was not at fault. I hurt his feelings because of something at the core of myself. He believes I can change that part of me if I decide to be better. To do good. But after letting my ego decide what is right and wrong for so long.. I don’t think I know how to choose to do good. Both of you have staked at least part of your emotional well-being on my capacity for good and I don’t know what to do with those feelings. I don’t think they’re good for either of us.” Rae avoids eye contact, staring into their cup of tea.
"So what do you want to do now?"
They rest their head in their hands. “I don’t want to think. I want people who understand things a little better to tell me how I can help and I can just follow their instructions. That’s it.”
Lord Jaezred folds his arms and leans back in his chair. "Well... Why don't you help yourself first and foremost?"
Rae looks up at him with tired eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I see before me someone who’s been through it, who needs a kind word in their ear and a friend in their corner whilst they reflect on their mistakes. And it is within your capacity to help them, no?”
Rae rests their head on their hand. “I suppose so.”
He smiles. "Well? You said you want to simply follow the instructions of others."
Rae hangs their head, and laughs a little despite themselves. "I'll see what I can do, Jaezred.. I don't want to let you down."
When they look back up at him, his eyes are brimming with a potent mix of emotions: sadness, pride, and deep affection. “I know—” He stops himself just as the word kiddo forms on his tongue. He clears his throat. “I know, Rae.”
Rae manages an awkward smile at him, still genuine appreciation, but holding back a little. "I should head out. Before it gets too late. I need to get back to New Hillborrow."
"What are you doing in New Hillborrow?"
“..Not being in the city. I don’t think I can go back yet.”
Jaezred purses his lips together tightly, hesitating for a moment before saying, "If there is anything I could do to help, anything at all... I'm sorry that I was not there for you when you most needed it, but I want you to know that I am here for you. Always."
“I know.” Rae says a little too fast, almost dismissive. They sigh a little. “I know you are. And I wanted to clear the air. But now that I have, I need some time. I’ll let you know when I’m back.”
Jaezred nods. He stands up, looking almost like he is about to wrap them in a warm embrace for a second, but instead pats them twice on the shoulder. “Well. Good luck, Rae.”
Rae nods and gives a small smile. “Thank you.. Give my best to Imryll.” They make a move to leave and then stop themselves to turn around. “Next time, I’ll cook for you, yeah?”
His eyes light up. "I shall be looking forward to the cookout."
As Rae turns around and departs the Thirsty Dragon, they don't see the smile on his face being snuffed out as he sinks back down into the chair. He lingers at that table for a while, a lonely, broken-hearted man. His cup of tea, untouched, grows cold.
“Rae, I…heard about what happened. I’m here to talk whenever you want to.” A pause. “For what it’s worth, I’m sorry.” The spider then crawls away. They freeze for a moment, before hefting their pack over their shoulder and heading out the door.
Two days later, Jaezred receives a Sending. “I’m in Port Ffirst. Back to New Hillborrow in the morning. Are you in town? We should talk. I’m sorry too.”
A pause, then a rapid reply: “Yes. Meet me at the Thirsty Dragon?”
Rae turns up at the cat cafe, unfamiliar with most places in Port Ffirst they look around with a little uncertainty and find a seat. When Jaezred spots them, they look much healthier than last time they met. The glowing veins of magic have disappeared, their face is more full and healthy colour has returned to their face. They look exhausted, but more present, actively taking in their surroundings.
Jaezred steps over a roaming cat as he makes his way over to their table and sits down opposite them, smiling awkwardly. “Hello, Rae.”
Rae returns the awkward smile with their own, unable to hide a little bit of nerves. “Hi Jaezred.. Are you well? Keeping okay?”
“I am well. I went paddleboarding this morning. And yourself?”
"Yesterday I fought an avatar of a powerful being of the depths.. I'm still trying to get salt out of.. everything." They shudder and subconsciously wipe their arms.
“Well, that sounds…less fun than paddleboarding.”
The two of them sit there smiling blankly at each other. Jaezred subtly squirms in his seat. A white shorthair cat comes by their table and mews.
Rae sighs in the silence, then pushes the words out painfully. "I'm sorry Jaezred. I'm really sorry-" Saying it out loud pushes the feelings to the surface again and tears form in the corner of their eyes, they curse quietly. "You were right all along."
Jaezred's jaw clenches tight. "No, Rae, I... I shouldn't have said what I said."
“But you weren’t wrong. It took me too long to see it, it’s all been my ego. I see problems and I want to be the one to fix them. I have to. K’ul Goran, The Thousand Words, everything I’ve done here in Kantas.”
"The curse impaired your judgement. You'd been doing good in the world up until then..."
“But why? My driving force behind going after Antonia Warborn was that attempting to capture her the first time was my first failure at a job in Kantas. I failed and wanted to succeed. The curse didn’t create something from nothing, I wanted to save Keros through my own capabilities and I couldn’t let that feeling go. The book didn’t curse me the moment I picked it up. I chose to pursue the research within it knowing that it was a dangerous piece of work that led Kyra down a dark path. I thought I was better than her.”
Jaezred’s tall form deflates slightly as he sighs. “No. What you say is true. I should know better than to indulge in my reflex to coddle you — I share some of the blame for letting you go down this road unchallenged.” He pauses when a waiter comes by to set two cups of Underdark truffle tea on their table. “However, that does not make the things I’d said to you any less horrid. I…I did not like myself in that conversation, Rae. Reminded me of my father. I’d been careless and allowed myself to forget about the seed of evil within me.”
Rae looks to have some tension relieved from Jaezred admitting their guilt. They pick up the tea and blow on it gently before taking a sip. “I think I needed it.. But only some parts of it. And maybe not in that manner.” They pause for a moment, considering their words carefully. “I feel as though.. I’ve pushed you into a role you have never asked for. It’s unfair for you to put that pressure on yourself on how you should.. act around me.”
"I..." Jaezred swallows hard. "Yes. I'm afraid I'm not fit to be anyone's father, Rae. I've not the faintest idea what a good one looks like."
“I told Keros that the most important thing for him to understand once the curse was over was that I couldn’t let him believe that I was not at fault. I hurt his feelings because of something at the core of myself. He believes I can change that part of me if I decide to be better. To do good. But after letting my ego decide what is right and wrong for so long.. I don’t think I know how to choose to do good. Both of you have staked at least part of your emotional well-being on my capacity for good and I don’t know what to do with those feelings. I don’t think they’re good for either of us.” Rae avoids eye contact, staring into their cup of tea.
"So what do you want to do now?"
They rest their head in their hands. “I don’t want to think. I want people who understand things a little better to tell me how I can help and I can just follow their instructions. That’s it.”
Lord Jaezred folds his arms and leans back in his chair. "Well... Why don't you help yourself first and foremost?"
Rae looks up at him with tired eyes. “What do you mean?”
“I see before me someone who’s been through it, who needs a kind word in their ear and a friend in their corner whilst they reflect on their mistakes. And it is within your capacity to help them, no?”
Rae rests their head on their hand. “I suppose so.”
He smiles. "Well? You said you want to simply follow the instructions of others."
Rae hangs their head, and laughs a little despite themselves. "I'll see what I can do, Jaezred.. I don't want to let you down."
When they look back up at him, his eyes are brimming with a potent mix of emotions: sadness, pride, and deep affection. “I know—” He stops himself just as the word kiddo forms on his tongue. He clears his throat. “I know, Rae.”
Rae manages an awkward smile at him, still genuine appreciation, but holding back a little. "I should head out. Before it gets too late. I need to get back to New Hillborrow."
"What are you doing in New Hillborrow?"
“..Not being in the city. I don’t think I can go back yet.”
Jaezred purses his lips together tightly, hesitating for a moment before saying, "If there is anything I could do to help, anything at all... I'm sorry that I was not there for you when you most needed it, but I want you to know that I am here for you. Always."
“I know.” Rae says a little too fast, almost dismissive. They sigh a little. “I know you are. And I wanted to clear the air. But now that I have, I need some time. I’ll let you know when I’m back.”
Jaezred nods. He stands up, looking almost like he is about to wrap them in a warm embrace for a second, but instead pats them twice on the shoulder. “Well. Good luck, Rae.”
Rae nods and gives a small smile. “Thank you.. Give my best to Imryll.” They make a move to leave and then stop themselves to turn around. “Next time, I’ll cook for you, yeah?”
His eyes light up. "I shall be looking forward to the cookout."
As Rae turns around and departs the Thirsty Dragon, they don't see the smile on his face being snuffed out as he sinks back down into the chair. He lingers at that table for a while, a lonely, broken-hearted man. His cup of tea, untouched, grows cold.
