Storm on the Horizon - 03/10/2023 - A Kavel Perspective

Morning Fasted Cardio

I had come to Port Ffirst from Daring Heights to do some early morning cold plunges in the sea - good for the body! But first, I wanted to do some fasted cardio before the plunge.

As I jogged along the coast of Port Ffirst and passed the lighthouse, I heard a voice yelling a rallying cry I had not heard in a while, “Thicc bois! Thicc bois assemble!”

It was the voice of my fellow thicc-boi, and chief thicc-boi amongst all humans, comrade Ivan.

Ivan is much like me in important ways, such as; he values strength. But, in many more ways, my fellow strength enthusiast is not like me. I, for example, went to bed with enough time to get eight hours sleep, then woke up early to do fasted cardio and a cold plunge. Ivan - I could tell by looking at him - had been up late on a giant bender, and must have fallen asleep on the street. It seemed he only woke up because of the magical letter from Counsellor Aurelia Archselon he had received.

Upon Counsellor Archselon’s request, Ivan was putting together a team to investigate a problem in the Sea of Tears. Many ships had sunk in the sea between Port Ffirst and Kul’Goran, and the counsellor wanted experienced adventurers to deal with whatever danger there was. I agreed to join my friend.

Ivan had no other party member but me at that point, but I knew roughly who else might join, if they could hear the thicc-boi rallying cry. I also knew, through many battles fought side by side with Ivan, that we have differing battle preparation protocols. Reluctant to participate in the same indulgences, but eager to have my comrade in his version of ‘battle ready’, I asked, “you want me to pick up some pre-battle booze, while you recruit?” Perhaps feeling comforted by me asking about the booze, Ivan brought up the ‘extracurriculars’ himself (which is to say he brought up the subject of magical performance enhancers).

Despite us being alone, Ivan whispered in a conspiratorial way, his desire for me to find some performance enhancing potions (PEPs). I told him I’d see what I could find. But, also that whatever I found for him, he should not use it again for another month, because if you use extracurriculars, you should cycle the usage! I will have him piss in a cup next time I see him, to make sure he’s not constantly on the ‘magical sauce’. Ivan reminded me about the lamb shank too. It’s both beer and a lamb shank that he has before battle, as his pre-battle protocols. How did I forget the lambshank…


The Thicc’ess Dawnland Adventuring Party That Ever Was

We had a supremely ‘thicc’ team. Dare I say, the thicc’ess I’ve ever been a part of. There was Ivan and I. Varga, our half-orc comrade, was there too - of course she was. Varga, Ivan and I, when you request thicc-bois, we tend to come as a 3-for-1 deal . But also, our thicc-boi excursion included the Dawnlands’ very own original thicc-boi, the OG Kantas thicc-boi, senpai Ghesh, the black dragonborn walking arsenal.

Lord Jaezred Vandree joined us too. He is not thicc. But, he always seems to know things. It’s strange, he always visits me, or Archie, or even Mendal when we have come back from an adventure that has caught his interest, and I have no idea who told him we had even been somewhere. I understand Lord Vandree is very adept at magic - this seemed to be the reluctant reason why Ivan was begrudgingly happy to have Lord Vandree along. Ivan does not have much respect for pure casters - no physical gains to speak of. In a way, Ivan is a stricter strength enthusiast than me. Ivan appreciates the support magic though.

We also had Oziah too, my new, and Ivan’s long standing, friend. Oziah is thicc-adjacent, she’s a big radiant slashy person much like comrade Zola, which is to say when they strike you with a sword, if the cut doesn’t kill you the massive amounts of holy light infused in their strikes will.

Oziah and I talk about carpentry. Oziah asks me about furniture, because she owns a castle and is refurbishing it with Delilah. Oziah, for example, comes to me for my opinion on, say, cherrywood or oak for wardrobes. Ivan, on the other hand, gets advice from Oziah on matters of command and speech-giving, not because he asked for it, but because he’s always making things up as he goes along - his speech to the crew of the Heart of Tempest was all bluster and bravado. The speech was a lot of noise, but very little substance. I was not clear how my comrade’s speech was supposed to motivate or endear the crew towards him, the acting captain. It was confusing. What was not confusing, however, and plain to see, was that Ivan was horny for the entire crew.


The Ship and Crew

The crew of the Heart of Tempest were a great crew. They were very good at their jobs, and also very attractive. The crew had to be the most attractive crew in the entire dock of Port Ffirst. No competition. It was as if being physically attractive was an additional criteria for working on the Heart of Tempest.

The Heart of Tempest had large, magical ballistas. It was much better armed than The Legacy, my ship. But, it wasn’t specialised in speed quite like The Legacy. The crew were more attractive than The Legacy’s crew though. It really was good to see that the crew of the Heart of Tempest were good at their jobs, because it really did seem, on first appearances, like they were all recruited for being hot.


Seasoned Adventurers and Preparations

I hadn’t noticed it until now, but seasoned adventurers are not short of magical preparations for battle.
I usually have nothing to prepare, because I am always prepared. My conditioning is maintained year round - I am my own armour. Occasionally, I will drink a Potion of Growth, if my opponent is just a little too big for me to get leverage on them. This is not to be confused with not being strong enough to lift the opponent, it is purely a leverage issue.

I felt dirty giving Ivan the Potion of Heroism and Greater Healing potion I managed to buy for him. I already felt dirty from buying the potions and insisting to the seller that I really was buying the items ‘for a friend’. I felt even dirtier when Ivan made me palm the potions to him in some secretive way so nobody else could see the potions exchange hands.

Oziah and Varga both had Potions of Speed ready to be drunk when the time was at hand. Lord Vandree had his magic book ready. When you write your name in Lord Vandree’s book, it offers some kind of death insurance. When Lord Vandree offered the quill to us, and we all reached out for it. Oziah made a point to grab the quill before any of us thicc-bois, and glared at us for reaching for the quill ahead of her, when we were all so thicc.

I don’t know where Varga acquired the ability to do one of those Heroes’ Feasts, but she managed to cast the spell. The food was good, and as expected felt rather invigorating, as well as filling the belly. Lord Vandree also casted the Water Breathing spell on us, and waited until battle was near before casting the Water Walk spell on us too. The lord also casted the Commune with Nature spell, which is apparently very similar to what I do naturally when I stop and think about the surrounding environment and a helpful archfey or none archfey bear comes to chat with me. Lord Vandree learnt about an immensely titanic sized monstrosity in the ocean. I didn’t see any bears.

Lord Vandree had another spell for the party, which he waited for just before we were imminent with the threat we were sent to deal with - he telepathically bonded the party.

After about three hours of sailing, the crewman in the crow’s nest alerted us to a storm incoming. The ship turned out of control and almost crashed into three gigantic rocks, islands really, all larger than the ship. Final potions were downed, as ballistas were manned, ready to fire. I downed a Potion of Growth - why the hell not.

A storm roared above us. A deafening roar came from the sea. Lit up by lightning above, a sixty-five foot titanic kraken emerged from the ocean between the three rocky islands, and had the Heart of Tempest in sight as its next victim.

“Alright! Let’s go, lads!” Ivan said, having swallowed down a lamb shank and washed it down with some beer.


Dawnland Adventurers vs. Emperor Kraken!

With a silver shimmering morningstar in hand, senpai Ghesh jumped off the ship, ran along the water, charged at the kraken and started piercing chunks of kraken flesh off of the titan monstrosity. As each of Ghesh’s morningstar spikes pierced into the sea monster, they burned the spot with magical flames. The deep sea monster was in pain, and shock - fire must be an extreme rarity for a deep ocean beast.

I followed senpai Ghesh, leaping from the Heart of Tempest, taking to the air with my flight legs, and landing on top of the kraken’s head. I dug my feet firmly into the beast’s head, as I bent over and rained punch after punch into its skull. As I continued my assault, a mote of radiant energy from Lord Vandree hit the kraken in its snarling mouth. The kraken retaliated, sending a wave of lightning across the sea floor. Master Ghesh took it on the chin, and fortunately the Heart of Tempest absorbed the lightning well.

Oziah flew over on Deimos, slashing deep gashes of radiant might into the kraken on its neck, between where Ghesh and I were located.

Three immense tentacles came out of the sea, we dodged and fought them back as best we could, but Ghesh, Oziah and I all got tangled up and restrained by a tentacle each. As a grappler myself, I must give respect to tentacle holds; they work. But while the kraken engaged three of us with its tentacles, Varga had initiated her aerial orc squadron dive with Ivan.

Using her Cape of Mounteback, Varga teleported a raging Ivan and herself two hundred plus feet above the kraken. As Varga reappeared out of a dimensional door high above the kraken, she blew her Horn of Nishrek summoning twelve orc berserkers armed with greataxes. Together, orcs, orcs’ chief Varga, and Ivan descended like humanoid bombs to the back of the kraken. The kraken roared in pain as the aerial team crash landed onto it. It was a rapid ‘hello goodbye’ for the berserker orcs - their greataxes were superfluous in the summoning, as they vanished back to Valhalla. Varga and Ivan both got up though - they are truly thicc. They began slashing deep wounds into the back of the kraken - Ivan especially, as he went into a frenzy slicing long grooves into the Kraken, as if he was merely tilling the ground as he struck. The kraken charged up another round of lightning. It missed Lord Vandree on the ship, but managed to strike Varga and Ivan in retaliation for the pain they caused.


Krak-ing On

Senpai Ghesh broke free from the kraken’s tentacle hold, went into a furious frenzy and started tilling the kraken’s sides much like Ivan had done the back. He then climbed up to join me on the head, to see if he could start viciously tilling up there. Inspired by both senpai Ghesh, and my other thicc-boi comrades, I wrestled my way out of the tentacle hold, too, and then jumped forty feet up in the air, and came down to deliver a Mountain High Elbow Drop. Smash! I landed a great, bludgeoning elbow.

In an attempt to deal with me, the kraken tried to entangle me in one of its tentacles again - but instead caught senpai Ghesh. Bad luck senpai.

Lord Vandree came to help us with a more regular-looking aerial support, as he polymorphed into a huge red dragon, circled the kraken and breathed fire into the wounds Varga and Ivan had made on the kraken’s back. The kraken was getting treated to a lot of fire that day, and it did not like it. With Oziah and Ghesh restrained in a pair of its tentacles, it used its other tentacles to bat us off of itself. Some of my comrades were shoved around a bit. Dragon Vandree dodged, I batted the tentacle aimed at me away, and held my position.

Oziah untangled herself by Misty Stepping out of the tentacle hold. Deimos was circling the kraken to stay close to Oziah, but also out of reach of a tentacle, so when Oziah teleported out of her restraint, she teleported to a spot in midair, but she did not fall for long, as she sprouted her raven angel wings to hold her aloft, as she slashed repeated radiant smiting slashes across the kraken’s neck, opening up new deep wounds on the monstrosity.

Oziah flew away before the kraken could bite and swaller her between its jaws, and rejoined deimos. Oziah managed to avoid the kraken’s retaliation. Varga, Ivan and I did not. We all were restrained again by a tentacle pinning move. Octopus grappling, as I’ve said before; it has my respect.

Not for the first time, a magical ballista bolt aimed at the kraken, to help with the slaying, unfortunately missed. It gave the kraken something to think about though, which helped Varga escape her grapple and brought her longsword, Undertow, slashing down deep into the kraken. I was positioning my hands to reverse the grapple on me, but before I could do that, the tentacle lifted me off of my feet, off of its head, and flung me fifty feet into one of the rocky islands. My body smashed into the rock, stone flying off from where my, now giant, goliath body had crashed. Ivan - chose not to break free of the tentacle restraining his movement. Instead, he took advantage of the situation to drive his greataxe Barbara repeatedly into the tentacle, making the kraken reconsider its hold on him.


Tunnelling to the Finish Line

Stuck to the rock, I watched an inspired senpai Ghesh breathe his own acid breath onto the bruises I had smashed into the kraken’s head. Nice!

I saw the kraken draw down more lightning to deal with everyone attacking him. My comrades all immediately retaliated with their blades in kind. I forced myself out of the rock and propelled myself back towards the kraken, over the water that separated us, and drove my fist deep into the jaw of the kraken. Its gigantic face wobbled. Dragon Vandree unleashed another aerial fire breath on the opposite side of the kraken, giving it no pause in the combat.

I felt that the kraken gave dragon Vandree a dirty look, as if to say, “wait your turn,” as it turned its attention to me, then Ivan. The kraken tried to smack me off its jaw where I had a good hold on one of its teeth from after punching its jaw. I was quite confident it couldn’t swat me again - until the tooth dislodged. I really did punch its jaw hard. I fell to the ocean, landing on top of the water thanks to the Water Walk spell. As I fell down, I saw the Kraken deal with Ivan. The kraken decided to double down on restraining Ivan and his greataxe by swallowing him whole. This was a bit worrying. But, at that moment, a magical ballista bolt hit the kraken, causing a wound to its side. Good stuff.

“Thicc bois!” Varga yelled as a battlecry before cutting and bludgeoning the kraken again and again with longsword and flail. The kraken came close to belching up the Heart of Tempest’s acting captain, Ivan. But, it managed to keep him down. Ivan, though, heard Varga’s battlecry from inside the kraken’s gullet. I could swear I heard him yell back in response, and the kraken began to feel what Ivan can do, when he goes full on berserker frenzy with his greataxe.

The kraken belched up a waterfall of blood, as from inside its body, Ivan unrelentingly carved his way from the gullet to the chest of the kraken, and then carved his way out yelling like the top level, crazy thicc-boi that he is. The kraken dropped dead in the ocean.

Ivan mounted the dead kraken, boasting with zeal, and the crew of the Heart of Tempest cheered with him, as did us adventurers. Of course, because this was Ivan, he wouldn’t stop talking. He also looked completely shattered. I believed he must have emptied all the magical charges in his greataxe during his violent examination of the kraken’s insides. And, the magical charges of his axe, they are draining, and comrade Ivan is a sprinter already, rather than a marathon runner. I didn’t doubt he could do all the terrifying damage he had just done, without the charges. But, I was worried he was going to fall from exhaustion.

“You look exhausted, want a hand?” I asked my fellow thicc-boi, through the telepathic bond Lord Vandree had established.

“... catch me. Catch me!” Ivan telepathically said back down to me, exhaustion having caught up to him, as he began to lose his footing. I jumped back up to him, before he fell off the kraken, and supported him in a way that looked like I was merely wrapping my arm around him as my bro, rather than supporting his weight. I wanted to help him look like the legend he was. I support my comrade - and his ego, too (from time to time).


Krak-ing Gifts

Back on the Heart of Tempest, the crew were really enjoying their captain. The ship’s engineer, who happened to be an artificer too, had ideas for Ivan’s greataxe Barbara. Ivan had gifts for his comrades. He had found the tooth I dislodged as a gift for me, or a similar tooth. It will make a nice souvenir of the fight. I told him the look of ‘captain’ was a good look on him.


Captain Ivan

The Heart of Tempest’s crew took the lower jaw of the kraken back with us as proof. Counsellor Archselon was pleased with our work, and rewarded us all with 1,500gp each. She offered one more thing, to Ivan. The counsellor offered Ivan captainship of the Heart of Tempest. Comrade Ivan accepted. He is now Captain Ivan Erickson of the Heart of Tempest. Privateer of the Dawnlands, and Protector of the Sea of Tears. It’s a good title - my fellow thicc-boi, Ivan, is fond of it too. Worryingly, he is also, very clearly, fond of his attractive crew too.