Thicc Boi Raiding Health and Safety
Apr 6, 2023 17:26:36 GMT
Jamie J, Tayz Dale, and 3 more like this
Post by Varga on Apr 6, 2023 17:26:36 GMT
A couple of miles away from Daring Heights, where a gravel road separates from the cobbled one to turn south, stands the new compound. An unassuming wooden fence doesn’t exactly scream “security”. In fact, if it could, it would probably scream “help!”. It looks solid, but tattered. But hey, that's where your employer sent you and all the other people in workshop to do the health and safety training in the event of another invasion, fire, flood, meteor storm, or whatever. Will be good for the morale, he said. Good for team building, or something. And so, here you are. Might as well walk inside. As you walk timidly through the main gate, the last few cobblestones lead you to the first impressive structure on the site: a large tent, unmistakably orcish in style.
There are skins of some monsters thrown haphazardly - albeit still tastefully, - on top of the sackcloth. As if to best showcase how little the owner of the tent cares about what exact awesome monstrosities she overcame. Two enormous pieces of ivory, like the very tips of the tusks of a giant elephant, frame the entrance. You’re not exactly sure the rest of the elephant isn’t buried below it. As you approach the entrance, you notice images carved in relief on the tusks: ghosts and other undead, fiends, thugs of all species and races, spellcasters, manticores, giants, dragons, and even gods. It’s an impressive menagerie. And, looking at all the carvings on the outside, you can’t help but feel some trepidation - what awaits you inside? But you’re not sure where you’re supposed to go, and so you eventually brave the front flap of the tent that is acting as a door.
Inside, in warm light seeping through the thin fabric of the tent, you see a couple of bookcases. They might seem poorly cobbled together until you realise they were not cobbled together at all: it’s just planks of very well carved wood stacked up in the shape of bookcases like a massive jenga tower. There are very few books: you catch a glimpse of a couple of ledgers, a poetry book, and a couple of play drafts. The bookcases are filled with… stuff. There’s an ominous looking coin, a massive piece of obsidian, a flower crown, an adamantium figurine of some orcish deity, a red scarf, a platinum snowflake that seems to be freezing part of its shelf, an origami hedgehog, a star with the words Port Ffirst inscribed on it, and a single pawn carved out of what appears to be a living stone. You look, bewildered, from one what’s-it to another, trying and failing to see any connection between them, when a heavy hand falls on your shoulder.
“I… yeah,” you nod.
“Right, let’s see,” she walks past you and picks up one of the ledgers from the shelf. That’s when you notice a scary looking and very shiny axe strapped to her back. "Snapmaw, light, please!"
What you assumed was a taxidermy of shark flies up and shines some light onto the book from a lantern attached to its head.
“City siege drill, at noon?” The half-orc looks up at you.
“Yeah, I was told-“ you begin, but the half-orc is not up for small talk.
“Battlegrounds. Just go towards the pond, you’ll see it from there.” She barks. “You'll be training all the hiding, evacuation, and barricading procedure. Training starts at noon sharp. If you're late – presumed part of the invading forces. Sorry, we're quite busy today, not time to dally. Everyone's on site. That doesn't happen often.”
With that, she slams the ledger down on the crude looking desk and sits down in the chair that looks as if it was made out of animal parts and weapons in equal measure. You’re not entirely sure it wasn’t taken from some orc warlord in Sunset Spines. You nod and leave the tent promptly, just to be on the safe side. You keep to the barely visible gravel road between the greenery of the Dawnlands.
“No!” The tabaxi chef growls. “Food after training. Or sluggish. No gains!” He says, rolling his biceps for illustration.
“But he’s just-“ you point in the direction of the barbarian.
Tabaxi raises a clawed finger and waves it right in front of your nose.
“Staff! Founder!” He says with gravitas, like these words are supposed to mean something to you. “Already got gains!”
You shrug and leave the gruff gentleman to his kitchen duties. As you exit the tent, you look to the sky. There is still some time before noon, and you’ve just spotted a very peaceful looking maze of shrubs to the east.
You walk through it to another tent. This one is much smaller, probably won’t fit more than a couple of people at a time. Curious, you peek inside. It seems to be a broom closet, or a paint closet. Or a closet of a very tidy painter. Because it has a lot of camouflage attributes, paints, brooms, buckets, and brushes. Puzzled by this strange place, you step outside, and only now notice the paintmarks all around the place. There are dummies set up around the tent. Some of them are decorated to meld into the environment, and some – to stand out with their imposing battle paints. Together with the paint-drenched grass it makes for an impressive display.
Walking through this open-air art installation, you make your way further into the knee-high maze. There is movement in front of you. Your eyes snap up to follow it, but it’s fast, and you only catch a glimpse of a fluffy tail. A couple of moments later there’s another tail, and another. Then, you see a rather plump-looking grey chinchilla. He's not wearing a jacket, but is dressed in a very beautiful chain mail with floral pattern, and a long cape. He has a tiny stone axe - an item that, it seems, every creature at this compound possesses. A bit like a toothbrush.
“Halt!” The chinchilla says with a strong Draconic accent. “You’re entering pet siege territory. Only pet training here!”
“I’m just looking around…” You manage.
“Bien. Then you’ll be the intruder. Critters! Take cover!” The chinchilla bellows and disappears into the shrubbery.
You shrug and walk on. Finally, you reach a clearing. In it, you’re surprised to see a fully functioning miniature siege set. The little trebuchet takes aim and shoots a ball of paint right at the bush on your left. You dive for cover, but are smeared in paint. The plump chinchilla turns the axe around and uses it as a pencil to take note in his tiny notebook.
“Mal!” He says judgmentally. “Mancatcher, you got killed in the invasion. You’re supposed to save people!” It is now that you notice a huge extremely fluffy black mastiff, also smeared in paint, sitting next to the bush and wagging his tail madly, clearly having the time of his life. But the chinchilla continues. “And the ducks were supposed to dive for cover, not dive into the pond!” He points at a couple of stray ducks rushing towards the body of water. “We’ll just have to do the whole drill again. Until everyone is clear on how to hide from invaders... Uh-oh!”
The last exclamation is addressed to a very exasperated handsome young drow with beads and feathers adorning his long white hair.
“Cleaver! I asked you not to take my paints without permission,” he says, crossing his hands on his chest. The gesture tugs at the leather of his ornately painted leather jacket.
The little chinchilla glances around and dives for the cover of bushes. The drow sighs again and picks up the colourful balls that the miniature trebuchet used as ammunition. That’s when he notices you.
“Are you alright? I’m sorry you got covered in paint...”
“Oh, no, I’m fine!” You jump to your feet, suddenly very aware of the amount of long-reaching weapons the drow is carrying on his back and his very large… teeth?
“You sure?”
“Yeah, I’ll just go… wash it off… in the lake!” You say and promptly follow the ducks.
The lake is quite large, taking up the entire centre of the whole compound. There's a statue of a sea serpent half-submerged in its water. Further on the water surface, you see a large rowboat, helmed by the dark-skinned barbarian you've just seen at the field kitchen, going full speed at a… flying boat? There is apparently some sort of maritime scenario going on, and people are having fun on the water. A young lady with long black hair, beetle legs and dragonfly-like wings advises people on both boats, swearing in Draconic in a way that would make some seasoned pirates blush. You notice her wearing a very similar leather jacket you've seen on others here. As you're straining your eyes to tell what's the paintings on it say, a fireball leaves the flying boat. The people in the rowboat all duck at the winged lady’s command, and the ball of fire passes them and keeps going in… yes, in your direction!
You dive into the pond at the last possible second, frightening the barely recovered ducks and dislodging some water lilies. Still, you feel a burn on your shin.
As you resurface and scan the shore for a space safe from the skirmish on the lake, your eyes catch on a small hut. It has a thatched roof, and stands amidst the water lilies and reeds on thick stilts. Its small windows are dark, and there is an excessive amount of ropes on its deck. The hut looks like it might potentially house a hag, but it has words 'First & Last Aid' written on it in uneven green letters, so you figure it's worth a shot.
You wade towards it and have to swim the last several feet. Given the depth of water and the ropes you've seen before, you figure this place is used as a mooring for the rowboats. Climbing a rope ladder to the deck, and navigating around the different naval equipment stored on the deck, you enter the hut, the door giving a tell-tale squeak. Instead of a hag, the place contains a scantily clad exceptionally muscular minotaur wearing the very same leather jacket, his back covered with a large circular shield. He seem to be assessing the fighting shape of two much less impressive individuals, a man and a woman who honestly look like common thugs.
"Alright, so… One-eyed Joe?" He addresses the man. "I think you're good to act as a land raider. Maybe not aerial invader, that requires a bit more dexterity… Handy Helen?" He asks the woman in an uncertain tone, but she nods, and he continues. "You're all clear for the handyman job. But no pickpocketing the clients!" He adds sternly. "And sometimes you might be asked to join in when we run the 'Battlefield crossfire escape' scenario, would that be alright?"
The woman nods, both of them take some papers and leave. That's when the minotaur notices you.
"Are you here for an assessment?" He asks.
You look around, registering some paperwork, some weights, but also quite a few medical supplies.
"No, I got burned a bit… The sign says first aid?" You try in a hopeful tone, and point to your singed shin. The minotaur glances at it, and sighs.
"I can do a bit of battlefield medicine, but you should find Kelne at the obstacle course, south-west of the lake," he says, bandaging your wound rather haphazardly. It would do for now. You nod in gratitude, and leave, paying only some attention to the warnings not to go too close to the drills in progress.
You figure out it's safer to take a different route around the lake. Crossing a small field, you pass a tent that seems to be supported by the extraordinary amount of weapons inside of it. There are a couple of weapon piles next to it, as well: perhaps the items that couldn't fit into the tent. One of the piles rises slightly and touches the hem of its fedora in greeting. You realise that it is in fact a huge black dragonborn sunbathing. He just so happens to have a variety of weapons strapped to his back, completely covering his leather jacket.
Receiving a nod from you, the dragonborn returns to his sunbathing. Meanwhile, you continue your way around the lake, at a safe distance from the carnage and the ominous looking craters on the shores of the lake. You're not quite sure what is the scenario there, but from the distance it resembles a rehearsal of a civilian vessel escaping during a pirate raid. Magical flying pirate raid. Do those happen often in Port Ffirst?
To your left, there's a small campsite with a two humanoids sitting around the fire and roasting marshmallows on sticks. They wave at you and you wave back automatically. These aren't your colleagues, for sure. The chaps probably work here. An orc and a goliath. You've never seen raiders in person, but you're pretty sure if you opened an academic book that defined raiding and all its forms, these two chaps would be drawn there as an illustration. In fact, you're pretty sure that's exactly how their attire was chosen.
Finally, you arrive at the battlegrounds. They are quite expansive, with dummies here and there to signify this or that type of invader. Closer to the lake, there's a battle-worn shed, apparently constructed to play the role of a building where the potential invasion catches you. You're tempted to think of this shed as something that has seen better days, but no. No, you're pretty sure all days this building has seen were pretty horrible. That's its purpose. There is also a very scary looking tree there with an uncomfortable amount of cuts and slashes from various weaponry. And a well-manicured hedge with an axe stuck in it, like somebody here has a particular disdain for the results of gardening. A half-elf woman stands on top of a pile of rocks and surveys the surroundings. She waves at you.
"Hello! I'm quartermaster Tenren, I'll be your health and safety instructor for today's Land Invasion drill. Your colleagues are in the Strength Corner, but we'll be starting shortly!"
You nod and walk to the only corner this compound seems to feature.
There, you notice a number of differently-sized machines, ropes, weights, and what surely are torture implements. You notice some of your co-workers and people from other shops around Daring Heights around, all working out at the machines or lifting weights. Just as you manage to say your hellos, you're approached by a tall bearded goliath wearing the same decorated jacket.
"Comrade! You're here to warm up before the drill?" He bellows excitedly, muscles rippling on his tattoed arms.
"Erm… not really, already warmed up by a fireball…" You point at the bandage on your shin.
"Ah! I see. You need to see comrade Kelne at the Obstacle Course!" He says, pointing west. "But come back after the training. Everybody needs cardio! It's best for conditioning. And for running away from danger, I've been told," he says confidently, but you're also quite confident this person has never ran away from anything, so you take his words with a pinch of salt.
You walk through the empty battlegrounds and enter what looks like a patch of jungle or an extremely overgrown swamp. There's definitely an excess of vines around, and the air is hot and humid.
As you enter a clearing, your senses are attacked with the sheer amount of magic in the air. Beautiful glowing fireflies sparkle before your eyes. The air smells of storm and lightning. You hear hurried footsteps as people run on the drawbridges in the branches above you. A wave of hot air hits you as it is being breathed out by… a paper dragon? That makes very little sense, and having a bit of a thought about it, you realise it's probably an illusion. A couple of people rush past you, all covered in dirt, but determined to get to the end of whatever course they're doing. Several bolts of dark energy pepper the ground before them, and they turn.
"Remember not to run away in a straight line!" A black raven kenku shouts from a large wooden platform that seems to double up as a mooring for the flying boat. "It's not safe!" He adds, releasing a couple more blasts to change where the people are running, and blows the smoke off his finger like it was an arcane gun of sorts. He's also wearing the leather jacket you've grown used to seeing here, but it looks less filled by his muscles.
"Excuse me!" You shout to him. "I'm looking for a healer?"
A raven familiar flies your way and gives your shin an assessing glance. The kenku on the platforms turns sideways and talks to someone you can't quite see. As he does so, a buff looking Halfling with short curly hair appears next to him on the platform. They stomp in what appears to be a fit of rage, their own leather jacket filling in with the flex of the pecs, and two pseudopods from their backpack lift them up a bit. As they go into this improvised rage, you feel your shin getting back to its uninjured state.
"Erm… thanks, I guess?" You shout, trailing off in the end.
The Halfling beams, winks, and waves at you, quickly disappearing from view again.
You look to your left, where the other exit is, thinking wistfully that you can still run… But then the jungle run batch finishes their obstacle course and crowd the exit, celebrating the race winner.
You sigh, turn around, and make your way through the improvised jungle back to the Battlegrounds. Your colleagues are all assembled there, and Tenren gives everyone instructions.
"In case of a land invasion, don't run immediately. First, you need to check the retreat route for obstacles or enemies. If you see adventurers nearby, don't try to run, because shit is about to go down," she reads from her instruction, glancing up questioningly at her boss, the buff half-orc lady. After an encouraging nod, she continues. "What you need to do is to make sure the building you're in is not on fire, barricade the exits, and wait for rescue. If the building is on fire, exit the building first by opening the doors permanently, then organise the fire brigades and carry buckets."
The instructions take a bit of time as she goes through all the possible scenarios and answers questions. You're given a sizeable brochure with a nice Thicc Bois logo on it, but before you can give it a proper read, the two chaps from earlier appear.
"These will be your raiders for today," Tenren introduces them. "Now, let's put this knowledge to practice! Move, people!"
As the drill begins, you wonder if perhaps one of the effects of going through raiding health and safety instructions at the Thicc Bois compound is that a real invasion wouldn't seem quite so bad afterwards…
