Pundemonium - 27/12/2022 - Archie’s Extracts

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On Accepting Adventuring Invites

A magical pun battle at a venue called the Laughing Mug, on top of the Howler’s Crag in Pandemonium (another plane) was where the invite said to go. It was a novel, and fairly unthreatening sounding adventure. One I felt might be suitable enough for the young adventurer, Mittens; a child tabaxi lad who demonstrates a good grasp of illusion magic. I last saw Mittens on the very adventure I was introduced to him; the business with Dr. Killian’s assistant, Eric, in the Witching Court. On that same mission, I met Lilia, a fellow human with a proclivity for stabbing and a hint of the grim divine; grimmer still given her young age (although not as young as Mittens). Lilia too was here for puns, as was someone new to me, Nadine, the second elderly harengon I’ve ever met, who is also (like the first one) divinely blessed.

I enquired with Mittens if Ms Kenari, his wizard instructor would be joining us. She wouldn’t be. I felt obliged to chaperone him in her absence, and I feel I ought to meet this Ms Kenari - I’m not on board with twelve year old children participating in grown up affairs, no matter how much magical competency they show.

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On Imbibing Foreign Substances

I should demonstrate more caution next time - I am not Kavel. I do not have his goliath constitution, I cannot afford to drink unknown substances, let alone have a drinking competition from an unmarked cauldron (careless man!). Jenna is no unknown individual though, but it still was too trusting to drink the hot chocolate she insisted we imbibe without discovering what it contained. Reassurances that, “you’ll need it where you are going,” should not suffice. (Note to self: ask her what it contained when next back at the Fort!)

I also acquired a pair of earmuffs with a tropical motif to them - pineapple decorated muffs.

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On the Plane of Pandemonium

The plane lived up to its reputation for a howling and deafening wind. Jenna’s earmuffs were greatly appreciated. If only the same precautions Jenna set in place for us was shared by the portal planners of Pandemonium. Both Nadine and I were almost swept off a cliff to our deaths from stepping a few feet away from the portal at Howler’s Crag, and being swept up by the wind! Never not a good idea to have the Misty Step spell prepared; advice I’m grateful to have followed.

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On the Laughing Mug and Gravity Altering Spaces

The Laughing Mug provided shelter from the howling wind, for which I was very pleased.

I was intrigued by the way gravity worked here. There was a stage at ground level, but most of the seating and the bar was on the walls. I found you could easily move from ground to walls, to ceiling with ease - gravity seemed to pull towards all surfaces instead of just the ground.

The novelty of the laws of physics, however, were not enough to distract attention away from the fact that this wasn’t an environment I particularly felt comfortable in, nor one which I feel a twelve year old humanoid should find themselves within. The local patrons were all mostly abyssal. The entrance to the establishment itself resembled a troll cave - itself not a very welcoming sign.

While we ordered some pre-performance drinks (milk for Mittens), the bar man explained the rules to the challenge and his desire for anyone to beat the performers known as Pundemonium - he finds them a little insufferable - a bit much.

We were advised to flourish our attacks with puns, not just for stylistic reasons and entertainment, but it would be effective against Pundemonium. The stage would alter all harm to psychic damage, which was reassuring.

We met our opposition, Pundemonium. They all had stage names; Pungolin, Punguin, Puntodrone and Spunned Devil. Upon hearing their names, I began to agree with the barman that Pundemonium’s presence, though entertaining, could certainly overstay their welcome.

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On Pungilistic Combat


Pungolin vs. Lilia -
Lilia’s rapier and wit proved sharper than the Pungolin’s claws. Lilia prevailed.


Penguin vs. Mittens -
The Punguin won. Though very proficient with illusion spells, I actually fear the young lad may, through necessity of joining in on adventures, have to prioritise learning more offensive spells from the evocation school, or even summon spells.


Puntodrone vs. Nadine -
The Puntodrone had a lot of limbs to attack with, and attack with them he did. Nadine fired off several good Guiding Bolts, but was flattened by the hexadrone. The barman revived her with a concoction.


Spunned Devil vs. Archie (myself!) -
I found my pungilism and arcane pugilism were both on good form. I defended what Spunned Devil had to say to me, and hurled at me with wit and magical form. His barbed words and barbed projectiles were fended off with a witty retort and the Shield spell. I then followed up with several lightning imbued Scorching Rays to attain the victory. My Putrid Undead summon assisted me with the pugilism and the puns. When he attacked for me, I turned to the audience and announced, “I’m surprised my friend here was awake enough to assist me, he’s normally dead tired!”

Two victories each for both teams - we went into a deciding skirmish.


Skirmish -
All participants who were a little beat up in their individual bouts were allowed some time to recuperate, but from the looks of things, my party was at an advantage, one I immediately seized. I casted Melf’s Minute Meteors and infused the spell with cold magic to surround myself with six snowball-like meteors and hurled a couple at the Puntodrone exiting him from the contest. I still had my Putrid Undead summon from my individual contest around, and he kindly, and ‘floorlessly’ knocked down the Spunned Devil for me, out of the air, and on to the floor (as far as puns went, I was sufficiently happy with my own - Melf’s Meteors also pleased me!). Lilia refrained from her rapier, and casted Inflict Wounds to bring the Pungolin to his knees, and then used her rapier to dispose of the Punguin. We had won the skirmish.

Due to the betting that had gone on in the crowd, and the characters within the crowd; a fight broke out. The barman seemed unfazed, however, in fact this all seemed de rigeur to him.

Despite the local, it was an enjoyable adventure that netted me 50gp for my efforts. Keeping to the spirit of the occasion, it could be said to have been a rather puntastic day well spent.

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