Castle Victory - 28/04/2022 - A Kavel Perspective

Ivan Wants a Thicc-Boi Day Out

Comrade Ivan, my human barbarian friend, came over to the Fort to work out with me and the other Iron Strong Bros. He was all better now, no more back problems. So we did some fireman carry, partner squats to test his back health.

Whilst it was his turn to squat me, he asked, at the peak of a Kavel squat, “hey fancy a challenge of thiccess?” During the peak of other reps he explained how he’d seen a recent note around town about a place called Castle Victory in Faerun, and how there was a big physical competition with a prize for the winner. Comrade Ivan made the point that we could really do with this - the Greenleaf Massacre was on the back of both our minds.

It was my time to squat him, I set him up on my shoulders, and told him, “yeah. Sure. We better all go,” and began my Ivan squats.

On top of my shoulders, Ivan suggested, “Yeah, let’s go to the city and round up some thicc-bois.”

One workout session later, and we were on our way to Daring Heights.


At Daring Heights to Load Up on Thicc-Bois

Last time, when comrade Ivan wanted some friends to join him on a spiritual retreat, which involved re-killing magical sand versions of pirates he previously killed, we managed to recruit fellow thicc people by merely standing around. It was as if one thicc-boi attracts another, and when you have more than one, the attraction strength increases pulling all the local thicc-bois together. So, we thought we would give that another go.

Just as we were walking past some shops on the eastern road inside the city - Varga, my half-orc barbarian friend, came running down the street. She had our sample thicc-boi jackets with her. She saw us from her CHAOS Corner shop window. Did she know where we were because she happened to see us walking by, or was it the power of thicc-boi magnetic pull?


Varga Jackets and the Thicc Boi Calling

Ivan had his shirt off quicker than Varga could pass us our sample jackets. The jackets were good, just needed a little tailoring to our size. Varga was ready to do the alterations right then, but Ivan made a good point:

“You could do alterations right now, but you need to come with us for a challenge instead!”

Comrade Varga looked quizzically at Ivan, “What you’re saying makes sense. But why are you phrasing it like it’s even a question?”

“You’re coming with us!” Ivan said with much delight.

There were high fives all round, and the thiccness level was becoming more concentrated where we stood.


The Beetle and…

We happened to be standing outside the McAdam’s warehouse, when a familiar, deceptively tough beetle fairy emerged from the back.

“Yeah! Thank you!” Beets, or as she was calling herself, ‘The Unbeatable Beetle’ was basking in glory. She had just fought and won herself an impressive fight purse. Good for her.

“Hey I know you! Didn’t I beat you in a fight?!” Beets asked, looking up and pointing in my direction.

“... not in there,” I said pointing at McAdams, “and it was an arm wrestle,” I established for clarity, in front of my thicc comrades. I then made introductions for comrade Ivan, and Varga told him a story as proof of Beets’ own thiccness, and I told him how my arm wrestling match with Beets resulted in a stone table breaking under the force. Ivan liked the vibe Beets brought.

Another round of high-fives and flexing was initiated.


… The Bird

The new round of flexing with thiccness on full display, of course, attracted much attention.

“Coud one of you show me how to deep squat?” We were asked. It was an old comrade of mine, that funnily enough Mendal said he met last week - comrade Sparks!

I hadn’t seen Sparks, my Kenku Eldritch blasting friend since my early days adventuring in Kantas. It was good to see him, and see that he had a new Mac. I remember seeing Mac disappear into a portal, and Mendal told me Sparks was celebrating when the enemy killed Mac last week… I don’t understand what the Sparks and Mac relationship is.

Comrade Ivan felt Sparks would be a big project for us; meal plan, workout programme; everything. We were also aware through experience that an exclusively thicc team does come with the drawback of no magic artillery, and more importantly no magic support.

I came up with an argument for Sparks:

“Comrade Sparks, how about this? You come with us for a challenge, and bring your magic skills, and in return we help you with muscles. Magic for muscles. This work?”

“Yes!” Sparks was agreeable to the plan.

We were ready to go. But, there was some complaining about Mac being a pain - I wasn’t paying attention - and before I knew it, Varga had grabbed Mac from Sparks’ shoulder and crushed him between her thighs. Poof! And Mac was gone - so too were the lingering crowd of on-lookers. Sparks was pleased though. I was still a bit confused.


Off to Faerun - Thicc-Bois Go First

At Portal Plaza, we took a portal to Faerun, and emerged on an open field, surrounded by a mountainous plain. A way ahead of us was a castle on a hill; Castle Victory.

There were between a thousand and two thousand other competitors in all sorts of garb heading towards the sign-up area in front of the castle.

Ivan wanted to get to the castle ahead of everyone else - Beets took to the sky, and landed in the front of one of the sign-up queues.

The rest of us ran to catch up and join Beets at the front of a queue. People moved out of our way as Ivan and I charged forward holding one end of a rope each, while Varga held the middle of the rope a bit behind us like we were the horses to her chariot, and Sparks hung onto Varga, as if he were the charioteer… I’m not sure any of this was necessary, but it was fun, and we did get to the front of the line. Thicc-Bois don’t take a turn, unless it’s first.

We were told to go over to the first challenge area and wait for General Iroh to call us. The prize for victory was fame and glory, a medal and an item from the castle.


Challenge 1: Muddy Waters

We stood in front of a very muddy crossing pottered with large puddles. The area must have been around two hundred feet long of almost all difficult terrain, with the occasional flat platform and logs, before it ended with a wooden platform as the finish line.

“I am General Iroh. This is my castle! When I give the command, you must try and make it to the other side first!” And with that, the general unsheathed his sword, and pointed to the finishing point, “GO!”

Trudging through mud was going to be easier for me than everyone else, given the size of my leg muscles and my height. I thought there was a good chance I’d finish first - and then Ivan used his Ring of Jumping, and began leaping between the areas on the terrain that were easier to traverse, but very far apart. I also saw Sparks use Misty Step to teleport forwards and avoid the slow-going terrain. And of course Beets; flew!

If I was looking for inspiration on how best to cross the treacherous terrain, it would not come from observing the above comrades!

Comrade Varga had a good plan. She started the race far to the right, where there was less deep mud. Varga used her strong leg muscles to jump over smaller puddles, and not get slowed down inside them. Otherwise, she was able to run practically unhindered. Unfortunately, I started in the middle of the pack, and it would take too long to join Varga on the side, so straight forward I charged.

I took a leaf out of Varga’s book and strategically chose the smaller length of the puddles to jump over, and for a while, was far ahead of the many other competitors behind us.

Ivan was closest to finishing first. He probably would have made it already, if it wasn’t for some bad landings deep in the muddiest parts of the terrain. The rest of my comrades were doing well, and so too were the many other competitors who had caught up. I was now lagging a little. Unfortunately, the situation called for a magical intervention, and I drew the Halo Knife and casted the Misty Step spell for the second time ever and got back ahead of the crowd.

As I leapt over puddles and trudged through mud, the wake of a mud wave could be felt, as over to my right, Ivan was magically surfing on the mud to the landing and was first to finish.
Sparks, must have been tapped for higher level magic, as he came up with an outside the box method of propelling himself forward, and turned to face away from the finishing point and pointed his fingers towards his front, and casted Eldritch Blast repeatedly on himself; propelling himself towards the end. Full marks for ingenuity comrade!

Beets, who stopped earlier to throw a log at some of the other competitors, finally flew to the landing, finishing second. Following her, Varga leapt up to the landing from the side, for third position.

A few more leaps and waddling through mud, and surprisingly I finished before comrade Sparks, who followed me shortly, as we finished in fourth and five place respectively.

The first of five challenges completed!

For my comrades and I, challenge two awaited us.


Challenge 2: Skipping Stones

“Make it to the other side. Fall in the water, you are out!” These were General Iroh’s instructions to us, as we looked out over another two hundred foot long area of the General’s lands. This one was all water, and no mud. But, crucially, it had many stepping stones of various sizes, floating on the water surface. Some, we were warned, were less buoyant than others.

Varga went first, and woah; her leg muscles and phenomenal. She was making leaps from stone to stone that I did not feel I could follow. She almost made it to the end, but unfortunately she landed on a less buoyant stone, lost her footing and took a dive in the water. She was then magically removed from the water instantaneously and put to the side of the challenge area so she could spectate the rest of our attempts.

I was up next, I tried to follow Varga’s path as much as I could - very fortunate, in a sense, going after a competitor who laid a nice path out for you - I made it halfway before Beets started her traverse - sans wings!

Unfortunately for comrade Beets, she, like Varga, lost her footing on one of the less buoyant rocks, and joined Varga at the side.

Sparks - had a plan. He casted the Haste spell on comrade Ivan, and got an agreement with Ivan to carry him, as comrade Sparks was not confident of his own ability to jump between the stones.
In one leap of combined magic - Ring of Jumping and Haste - comrade Ivan almost made it to where I had reached with several jumps.

“Watch this Kavel!” Ivan said magically leaping from platform to platform. Unfortunately for Sparks, when Ivan eventually landed on a stone that sank, Sparks lost his grip on Ivan and fell into the water. Ivan, made it to the finishing point, looked at me still in the middle of the crossing, pointed at himself and said:

“Comrade; the big one!”

Great. Ivan was now talking smack.

Fortunately for me, I did not take a splash in the lake, despite a couple of bad choices, and eventually I joined comrade Ivan on the finishing platform.

For Ivan and I, challenge three awaited us.


Challenge 3: Bridge Ball

Ha. Comrades Varga, Beets and Sparks still got to participate even though they wouldn’t be running the rope bridge like comrade Ivan and I.

Ivan and I stood on one side of the rope and wood bridge that hung twenty-odd feet above a long, vertical lake. We had to make it to the other side of the two hundred-ish foot bridge. Simple enough, and it wasn’t even a race. The only problem is that our comrades and some castle staff positioned, spread out on the embankments, had cannons aimed up at the bridge that would fire bound-leather cannonballs up at us. Did I mention the rope of the bridge only tied the wooden beams of the walking platform together - there were no rope handrails, or any handrails. If we got hit by a cannon - we were likely to fall off the bridge and into the lake.

The general gave us the signal to go, and despite this not being a race, both Ivan and I went at the same time, both of us taking advantage of our battlerage to propel us forward faster. I narrowly got ahead of him, facing a volley of cannon fire before him. I dodged a cannonball, but Sparks’ cannonball almost knocked me off my feet. Luckily I regained my footing, and Ivan, who Sparks also hit, also managed to keep his balance.

Beets walloped us both with her canon next, and again we were both lucky to maintain our balance, and Ivan even managed to pull ahead of me, dodging cannon fire left and right until he got to Varga who, like our other comrades, hit him square on the side. But, again, Ivan kept his footing.

Despite Ivan’s gained ground, Varga’s shot made him slow down, as I was able to run past him and avoid Varga’s shot, and finish first. Ivan then also made it to the end platform.

I put my arm around his shoulders and head, and said, “hey comrade; I am the big one.”

It was now time for the fourth challenge for comrade Ivan and I.


Challenge 4: Octagon Maze

Before us were three doors that both Ivan and I could see were in front of a lake. We could not quite see what awaited us after the doors though, except for a stone platform above the water, but behind the walls all we were told was a maze to the other side, which we had to reach without being caught by anyone inside; which would include our comrades! In addition we were warned to be careful about the doors. Not all of them would lead us to where we had to go. But, we were expected to run at the doors!

This time, again, it wasn’t a race. But, Ivan let me go first.

Three doors ahead of me, I charged at the right hand door - this was a mistake. As I smashed into the door, I was not met with splintering wood, but with a slime-like substance that eventually repelled me back outside. I walked back to where Ivan was, and charged at the middle door - splintering as expected! However, not as expected, there was a giant puddle of water directly behind the door and I fell right in, to Ivan’s evident delight, as I could hear the deepest of belly laughs from his direction.

Much like my comrades in the previous challenges I was magically lifted from the water and placed on the ground. I asked General Iroh if I could sit on the maze wall to watch Ivan’s attempt - as long as I didn’t interfere, it was permitted.

Comrade Ivan, with the benefit of my failure, charged at the left hand, correct door, where behind it he was met with a bridge to the entrance of the stone maze. After he went through, General Iroh allowed me to follow and climb the wall for a good view.


Ivan the Tyrant

From my perch up on the wall what followed was quite the sight.

Ivan was faced with the option of heading left or right. He went right, entered through a door and came face to face with a guard that leapt on him. Ivan avoided being grappled, but rather than run away to avoid capture and losing, he chose an alternative method to avoid capture.

“Dont!” Ivan yelled menacingly at the guard that tried to grapple him again. Ivan has one hell of a mean face. The guard thought twice about repeating his attempt at stopping Ivan, and basically following the instruction he was given. Ivan was free to run to a new door.

Through the new door, Ivan saw Sparks. Sparks was fortunately spared Ivan’s mean face, as Ivan banked on Sparks not being fast enough to stop him reaching a new door.

Through the new door, Ivan pushed away a new guard that tried to tackle him and then once again intimidated another guard out of even attempting to grapple him.

I was, with schadenfreude anticipation, looking forward to him going through his next chosen door, as I could see from my vantage point that it would open up to a giant puddle of water. But drats! He avoided the splash by hanging on to the door! Good for him.

Ivan doubled back and chose a new door to go through and saw Varga’s Manny in all his fluffy, doggy glory. Manny went to tackle Ivan and instead ended up accepting Ivan’s petting.

“Who’s a good boy!” Ivan said petting Manny, “now go on, get in the corner,” Ivan directed, throwing some meat rations that way.

Getting more towards the centre of the maze, the next guard Ivan met was instructed by Ivan to, “go to the corner, or I’ll beat you up!” Comrade Ivan’s bullying approach to avoid capture was impressive if not a little tyrannical.

Beets was next. Ivan did not spare Beets his attitude, “Beets, you are new, but; don’t try it!”

Surprisingly, given how rambunctious Beets is, she agreed not to tackle Ivan and let him get to a door, perhaps just not too fussed since she couldn’t compete anymore.

This new door had a castle thicc-boi behind it, but this wasn’t a concern for Ivan who used his axe’s Enlarge spell to meet the guard toe-to-toe and push him back, and out of the way so he could run to another door, where he was met with Varga.

“Varga, I love you, but don’t make me!”

“I’m not scared mate,” Varga was not having any of Ivan’s mean face.

Both my comrades entered into a battlerage and leapt at each other. Varga used Ivan’s outstretched arms to leap up and wrap her thighs around his head and an arm. She had him in a Mac crushing position, and had caught him. Like me, Ivan had now failed the challenge, but well done to him getting so far, and well done to Varga too.


Challenge 5: Showdown… Not Applicable

Unfortunately, no challenge five for any of us.

We stood in front of Castle Victory, with General Iroh before us, with five guards behind him.

We all received a medal, which had the following sentence written on it, “I tried the Castle of Victory.”

We were also given a little token gift as well. I received a pebble with a carving of a dwarven mine baron.

Varga pointed out that us thicc-bois were only defeated by each other, or by water.

We were teleported back to Daring Heights, and discussed Sparks’s thiccess sessions, and Varga also measured Beets up for a jacket.