Castle Victory - Varga - 28/04/22

The Adventure of Losing at Victory,

In which Beets shows her true colours, Thicc bois come across their two weaknesses, and killer thighs decide the outcome.

Saw Ivan and Kavel walking past CHAOS. Decided to do a fighting test of the jackets. We look really good in matching outfits! A proper warband! Ivan wanted to go do some competition. Raiding is great for teambuilding, so I joined.

Beets had just won at the fighting pits and decided to join us. The others weren't sure if we should take her with us, if she's thicc enough, but I said it should be Okay. I'm not that much of a judge of character, but I fully trust Cleaver's judgement. And Cleaver chose Keg to fight Beets. Keg is the biggest and meanest chinchilla in CHAOS, sure Beets is thicc enough if she's a match for him!

We also picked up Sparks. He's not thicc, but wants to be. Admirable. His familiar, Mac, was getting in the way. I crushed him between my thighs. As Mac became an explosion of feathers, Sparks gave me a hug. That's an appropriate reaction to an enemy death. Thicc enough, I'd say.

We went to Portal Plaza. Gary was operating the portal. He's an okay lad. Knows when to stand aside and let others handle things. Would survive a raid by joining the other side. Has a couple of kids and collects pins.

The portal dropped us in Feywild. There was a huge castle there. Very pretty. No moat, but massive ramparts. Fortified barbican, azure machicolations - looks hard to raid. Big name over the castle: "Castle Victory". I assume somebody tried raiding it, and lost. Hence the castle won. Makes sense.

We went inside. Beets jumped the queue by flying. I haven't anticipated such ruthlessness. Even back home that's considered on the verge of foul play. Only the most merciless warchiefs attempt feats of brutality of that magnitude. She has my respect.

The Thicc Bois were entered into the competition as a team. The owner of the castle, General Iroh, welcomed us to his castle. He's easy on the eye, I'd challenge him to an armwrestling match once or twice. But I still need to check on the Huntsman. That brute has been ignoring me long enough.

The first challenge was to cross a muddy area ahead of other people. Ivan jumped in huge leaps using his ring of jumping. Just before the end, he caused a tidal wave and surfed to the finish line on top of one of his swords. Deservedly first – both in time and style.

Sparks was teleporting all over the place. He then hit himself with his own eldritch blast and finished second. That was cause only one eldritch blast actually connected. Even his own spells don't hit him – proper thicc boi!

Myself and Kavel just bruteforced it. Kavel was more like a Bahgtru warrior – just running forward, leaping over logs, waddling through mud, going through things. No strategy, no smarts. Huge respect. I felt inspired by Illneval and chose a strategic route – on the side, where there was less mud. I've just made those jackets, for Luthic's sake! With one final leap, I was on the platform third, just after Ivan and Sparks, surprising them by standing ahead of them like I finished first. It was very mean of me. Can't let Beets take all the glory.

Beets flew around very lazily, saying "Oh no, how would I traverse all this difficult terrain?" That was, of course, a clever ruse to lull our competitors into a false sense of security. As soon as it worked, she picked up a log and hurled it into the crowd of unsuspecting civilians, catching at least half a dozen people. She chuckled and flew to the finish line. We've gained a good raider today! I need to make her a Thicc Boi jacket. She deserved it.

The second test I swear was devised by Bahgtru himself. No strategies, no flying. Just jumping onto stones submerged in water until one of them gives. And even I know the buoyancy of the stones is conducive to them sinking more often than not.

I was the first to go, and was defeated by a treacherous rock that gave way. As I fell into water, my defeat was announced and I was brought onto dry land to spectate. At least the water was pleasantly fresh, like a mountain stream back home. And my jacket held!

Beets was similarly defeated by water.

Kavel made progress. Sparks, watching him, realised he couldn't possibly do that much hopping. So he cast Haste on Ivan. I've seen Oziah cast haste on herself to hit more things, but I've never seen it cast to run faster. Ivan disappeared with a pop and appeared on the other side of the compound. The next moment, a wave of air from his super speed hit us. Myself and Beets clapped. Ivan was trying to give Sparks a ride on his back, but Sparks couldn't keep up with the speed monster he himself created, and very poetically fell into the water.

I didn't see Kavel finishing the race because we've been brought to the next test before Kavel and Ivan. There was a moat (inside the castle? That's odd. I guess takes potential raiders by surprise though. I'm not the one to judge success). A single rope bridge across. Magic cannons on either side of it. We were given free reign of the cannons. Sparks took the first one in the row, and called it 'Failed Dexterity'. Beets took the biggest one in the middle and named it 'Big Bugger'. I took the last one, just before the finish line where the victory seems guaranteed, and named it 'Disappointment'. Castle employees took the other cannons.

Ivan and Kavel ran across the bridge. We were shooting everywhere, and only the three of us managed to hit both of our friends. I say – if your friends don't try to shoot you with a magic cannon from time to time – do you even have friends? In my excitement, I missed Kavel, and he finished first. While Ivan was all grumpy about it, we were led to the last test. It was a labyrinth built over another moat (I need to look at the effect of inner moats on castle defensibility, there has to be some weird correlation here!). We were allowed to hide anywhere in the maze and wait for our friends. I took a random spot near the centre, and left Manny at one of the doors.

From where I stood, I heard a massive hit that shook the walls of the maze and Kavel swearing. He attempted to open the wrong door and it didn't open. He then opened another door, but it led to water, and he fell into the moat. Ivan used that information and didn't attempt to open the same doors. He instead took the third door and went into the labyrinth. He was going quite well, and I heard him growling at a couple of others, intimidating them from stopping him. A couple of loud cracks, as if a bone is being crushed while still inside a person, told me that not everyone was equally as intimidated.

'Can we play? Can we please play?' I heard Manny asking from the next room. One day I'll teach that dog some manners. He continues to embarrass me.

'Sure, but you go here, good boy!' Ivan answered him as I heard the sound of a big dog being picked up and deposited in the corner. Good. Maybe he'd thunk of his behaviour there.

Finally, Ivan reached me.

'Varga, I love you, but I will fight you. So stand aside,' he warned me.

I was not so easily intimidated, of course. I felt my cloak billowing behind me as saw the reflection of the red light from my eyes on the walls of the maze. I grinned.

'Doesn't work on me, mate.' 

Ivan was huge, and probably thought I couldn't tackle him. Ha! I tackled bears back home. When I was 14. I ran at him and pounced, getting his arm and neck into a thigh grip. He tried to get out of it in vain. He also lost, but as he said, he lost the least. Well, I still beat him, so I even won a little.

We all won prizes for participation. A small medal saying 'I tried'. I liked the passive aggressive tone. And small gifts from the general. I got a working siege set. (The chinchillas are currently trying the trebuchet out. They're loving it. It's up there with an adamantine statuette of Bahgtru among the best presents I've ever got).

'I think the moral of today is,' I said, as we were all examining our unconventional gifts. 'That we can only be defeated by each other, or water. These are our two only weaknesses. Go Thicc Bois!'

'Go Thicc Bois!' the others shouted in unison.