Stonehand Fighting Techniques - Kavel Learns Dwarven MMA!

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Prerequisite required: must be very strong to apply.
Strong conditioning and constitution is also preferable.
Previously earned respect from the Metal Bros would be useful.
Cost: Recent loss of memory of a previous fighting style would ideally make space in your mind for a new fighting style - we do not recommend and are not liable for any loss of memory that you might undertake in pursuit of signing up for the Fast Track Blackbelt Course. (‘We’includes the Metal Bros and all employees and occupants of the Runaway Library including even the globulous arsehole in the Library’s Laboratory who eats memories!)
Magical Tattoos will be given to successful completionists of the Fast Track Blackbelt Course. Please make sure you have space on your body for magical ink.



Day 1: Newbie Stonehand Fighter

Forgetting how to fight with my chakan poleaxe was not the ideal way of beginning to learn a new fighting style.

To be fair, ever since that bastard gelatinous gunk ate my polearm mastery memories in exchange for the return of all of his brother Chonk’s eaten memories - I can still swing a polearm… but I’m nothing special with it anymore. I’ve completely forgotten all my training. Actually it’s worse! I haven’t forgotten polearm mastery, I’ve actually lost it, it’s been removed from my head! I could, I suppose, just restart training from the beginning again. But, would I ever be as good as my Thicc-Boi comrade Toothy with his glaive, again? Certainly not until I’ve remastered polearms, and that could take a long time, even for me.

I am in luck though!

My Metal Bros have got my back! They are going to fast track me to a Stonehand Fighting Techniques Blackbelt! I trust them since I’ve sparred with them before. They are tough, and they actually gave me the fancy chakan poleaxe I used for a time… I shamefully returned it to them damaged with acid (by the prick in the Armoury’s adjacent room, the Laboratory).

Well, the day after the ‘memory loss’ to help Chonk - I returned to the Runaway Library. It reappeared outside Daring Height’s western gate the week before, and it seems to be staying here a bit longer than it normally does before it teleports wherever it wants to next disappear to.

As I walked into the library, it was nice to see Chonk, the library’s caretaker, back to welcoming guests. Chonk is a large mimic with an upper body like a treasure chest, but his lower half is all slimy pseudopods. Slimy hugs or not, it didn’t matter - I was happy to hear him greet me by name - it’s nice he can now remember names! - and he escorted me to the Armoury for day one training!


Day 1: Comrade Sensei Metal Bros

There’s four of the Metal Bros. These bros don’t really have names, but they are known by the plate metal of their magical full-plate bodies. There is; Bronze, Iron, Steel and… Metal. I’m not actually sure what metal, Metal is. All of them are very cool though.

The Metal Bros don’t really speak, because they are magical suits of armour, and like non-magical suits of armour, they just don’t speak. They do however have a kind of sign language, which Chonk uses to communicate with them and help me understand any instruction that I can’t pick up through demonstration alone. Luckily for me the Metal Bros can read Dwarvish, which the Stonehand Fighting Techniques book they were using to instruct me is written in.


Day 1: Temporary Ink

Strange induction day. At no previous gym or dojo have I been given tattoos. Very strange, but coach Bros through Chonk said it was necessary for receiving my Brown and Black belt training. So, I didn’t question it much. I was not the instructor on this course, I was the student. Eyes and ears open, and like my instructors - mouth shut.


Day 2: White Belt - Punching Steel for Beginners!

Day two was intense!

Lots of repetition punching plate, after plate. Every now and again my Metal Bro comrades would alternate so I had a fresh drill partner for me to punch in the plate. As they rotated out it meant I always had a fresh partner. Exhausting, but it’s good combat training, to be fair, and needed on a fast track course.

I would alternate punching strikes with kicks, knees, elbows, forearms, and the occasional headbutt. This day was really more about getting used to fighting unarmed, as the Dwarven Stonehand Fighting Techniques require. I took to it amazingly, if I do say so myself. I gave up a lot of reach switching from a polearm to no weapon at all, but to my surprise my punches are as damaging as a regular fighter swinging a warhammer. Actually, and I don’t mean to be arrogant, my coach Bros reckoned I’d hit even harder than that once I got my blackbelt!


Day 3: Blue Belt - Stonehand Vice-tight Grappling Holds!

Well, it should not have been that surprising to find out that with my strength, I can hurt people merely by squeezing them. Advanced warning to all future opponents; beware my grip, it’s painful! Also, if you don’t escape, I’ll just hold you in place and smash you with my warhammer-like fists!


Day 4: Purple Belt - Suplex Finisher Moves!

Okay, no more smashing demon heads off with a poleaxe, and no more thrusting a polearm’s top spike through a lamia. It’s a real shame. But! I am looking forward to introducing my future foes to my Goliath Lariat, my Belly-to-Back Kavel Suplex, and my Gutwrench Iron-Powerbomb!

Coach Bros really spent some quality time with me, making sure I had signature moves. It’s weird how signature moves weren’t part of my fighting arsenal before, since they are so cool. If it’s not too arrogant, I might actually announce my cool moves as I perform them in combat. Maybe I could even hire someone to announce them for me, as I perform them?


Day 5: Brown Belt - Smashing Your Opponent’s Strength Out of Them and into You!

Okay, day five is where we really got into Stonehand Fighting Techniques. The Dwarves are very clever! Much respect!

Thanks to the Dwarves who founded SFT, and of course sensei Metal Bros, I can now do something I never imagined possible before. Now, I can actually feel my powerful unarmed strikes giving me back strength as I land attacks on my opponent, both hurting them with the force of the attack, and weakening them further as if by magic, but by pure strength and technique. This only happens once in every three attacks, but it’s so awesome nevertheless, and this is true SFT. Dwarven MMA is cool!


Day 6: Black Belt - Special Up-Yours Anti-Psychic Magic Defensive Technique!

Fuck you psychic damage dealing scum!

I didn’t think SFT could get any better after yesterday’s important day of Dwarven MMA instruction. But, the final day of training has put a figurative cherry on top of the awesome sundae that is Stonehand Fighting Techniques.

Now, let’s be fair - a polearm is fantastic for intercepting opponents from far away. Opponents can walk on to an unexpected opportunity attack without realising it. With no more memories of my polearm mastery, I won't be getting the benefit of intercepting adversaries with a polearm anymore. It’s a loss to be sure. However, what I have gained on day six training is truly brilliant, and in its own way intercepts opponents from afar.

This secret defensive Stonehand technique is the most surreal. I do not understand how I have achieved the benefit of psychic defence, but psychic defence has been my one and only weakness since forever. Apparently full body conditioning that helps you shrug off; lighting, thunder, fire, ice, poison, radiant, acidic and necrotic and other magical force damage is still no good against psychic attacks. Well, what the hell - SFT training has given me reactionary psychic defence, and I’ll take it. Those psychic bastards won’t be able to take over my mind without receiving some of my own weakness returned back to them. How do you like those apples, psychic magic-users!


Day 7: Getting Ink!

I was very exhausted on this day, but it was all worth it, as I received official blackbelt status in Stonehand Fighting Techniques, and my coach Bros all got matching magical Stonehand tattoos with me to commemorate my achievement.

Confirmed by my Metal Bro comrades, I now punch harder than a competent soldier attacking with a decent warhammer. Knowing this now, I feel even more confident in my goliath nickname ‘Smashy Hands’.

I am very grateful for my week of training and shared memories with the Metal Bros and Chonk here in this special library, and I will not be letting go of these memories for anyone.


Entering Kantas:

Kavel ‘Smashy Hands’ Castiron!
A Stonehand Fighting Techniques Blackbelt!