Very Unfortunate Biology - Glint - 06/10/21

'Now, here we have a prime example of the extraplanar magic…'

Professor Jacobson, the head of Unfortunate Biology department, was, at present, the most unfortunate member of his department. He has always considered himself a patient man, even lenient at times. Not the sort of person to adjust a monocle with a scandalized scoff and declare 'Most unorthodox!' at anything resembling a fresh thought.

But enough was enough.


He had endured Tumblefoot, who snatched up every junior scholar in the university to peruse in his research and paperwork during his every visit. It was unpleasant, and landed Jacobson in a lot of trouble with other, suddenly junior-scholar-less, departments, but Tumblefoot was an accomplished scholar, and one must excuse the strangeness in great minds.

He had endured Carter, that whippersnapper who somehow landed a professorship through an incredible feat of finding a beholder – an exercise that any Kantasian child would accomplish in a day just to spite their mates, – but also carried himself like he was some unsung hero of Daring Heights when his name was better known to the city council than any of the college heads'.


He had even endured Glint. Oh, the man was productive, for sure. He somehow found time both to charm more faculty members than Jacobson knew by name, and assemble a veritable collection of animal parts for the Academy's museum. Jacobson just hoped these weren't the same affairs. But, Jacobson thought, in retrospect, he should have seen where this was going: after all, fire, if left unattended, tends to spread.

Professor Jacobson was fine when Glint brought in a dinosaur tooth.

He was fine when a purple worm's plate followed.

Then Glint purchased a whole population of ducks to house at the Academy's grounds, having no idea what the overheads alone amounted to. And attempted an expedition to drag an entire dead manticore to the Academy – without even consulting with the treasurer! And now he was at the edge of Angelbark Forest, giving a presentation about a living transformed tyrannosaurus. With the specimen present, sentient, and answering other scholars' questions with a demon-may-care attitude. And hugging a couple of on-lookers, whom he'd apparently been on friendly terms with.

Professor Jacobson wasn't fine.

He needed to do something before the thoughts of an ethics review he would have to fill accounting for such a presentation format would drive him into the early grave. So, within the next five minutes. He frantically thought of a way out. He couldn't fire Glint – there was no good reason. Even in the expedition funded by the Academy the only casualty were the Death Flowers and a ranger's sore back after she decided running up a tyrannosaurus with a rapier and stabbing a Death Flower on top of it was a completely safe pastime. Besides, they found a person transformed by the Beastlands, possessed by the Death Flowers, who still somehow retained a humanoid intelligence! To summarise, you don't fire a person for doing their job really well!

And then, Jacobson remembered that adage Old Man Miller used to repeat. He'd never quite understood the meaning behind those words before that moment….


It took Jacobson a second to realize that his fiery-headed problem was talking to him.

'Glint!' He jumped. 'Congratulations! Such a brilliant lecture!' He smiled, as the plan of action formed in his head.

'You liked it then?'

'Oh, yes, it was very…' he looked from the genasi to the Tyrannosaurus. 'Vivid. I now see why Professor Carter had recommended you. You have a veritable talent with the audience, young man.'

'Well, I'm not complaining,' Glint shrugged in modesty that was so false even the surrounding trees wouldn't fall for it.

'Oh, don't be shy! In fact, I think I've got a perfect application for your talent!' He slapped Glint's shoulder, making the fire on the genasi's head flicker.

'Well, I was thinking a lectureship position…'

'Oh, but you must think bigger!' He interjected, half emboldened by his plan, and half terrified of having Glint around full-time. 'You know, the Academy's current priorities are in improving our teaching, and making it more accessible. I can hardly think of anyone more suited for it than you!'

Glint narrowed his eyes a bit, still smiling, but with less enthusiasm. The man wasn't an idiot, and wasn't born yesterday; but Professor Jacobson wasn't born last week.

'And how would I do that, precisely?' Glint asked carefully.

'I'm offering you a position of an adjunct lecturer!' Jacobson grinned. 'Just think of it – public teaching, popularizing science, inspiring the general public to read more… or to learn to read at least… you'll be famous! Almost like Leocanto!'

'Well, I don't think I'm quite at that level of performance yet,' Glint squirmed, but Jacobson saw in the man's expression that the bait was working. 'To be fair, I was looking towards something more inconspicuous…'

'Inconspicuous?! You?! Nonsense, my boy!' He slapped him on another shoulder with a huff. 'You must use your talents… for science!'

'I hoped for a full-time position at the Academy…'

'It will be a full-time position, only outside the Academy. Think of it as being… around the Academy!'

He made an awkward gesture meant to represent Glint's location relative to the Academy, but instead resembled a frog attempting to swim in milk.

'Not in?'

'Nope!' Jacobson beamed, and added in a serious tone: 'After all, you wouldn’t want to leave the masses starving for education, would you?'

'Well, of course not…'

'And you'd appreciate the freedom to go into the field whenever you like? And to visit other cities?'

'Yes, of course, but…'

'It's decided then! Congratulations, adjunct lecturer Glint!' Professor Jacobson all but shouted, shaking Glint's gloved hand wildly. As others heard the Professor, they began showering Glint with congratulations, and that waterfall of praise washed away any reservations the vain genasi might have still had.

Professor Jacobson gave way to the crowd of well-wishers, and walked away with a new gait in his step.

After all, it was like Old Man Miller always said: 'Whoever you can't fire, you can promote!'