Counting Sheep - 27/07 - Glint
Jul 31, 2021 9:37:41 GMT
Queen Merla, the Sun-Blessed, Celina Zabinski, and 2 more like this
Post by Varga on Jul 31, 2021 9:37:41 GMT
Upon his return home, Phillip Benedict Constance La Roche II forewent the accustomed niceties and waddled straight to his study. He put down his crossbow and sank heavily upon a crude rock that served as the chair (and occasionally, a cutting board). The alarmed face of his wife, troubled by her beau’s unusual behaviour, appeared in the entrance to the cave.
‘Is everything alright, dear?’ She asked in such a refined accent of her tongue, you’d think she was an Ice Giant rather than a plain ogre girl.
Phillip shook his head, his shoulders slumping.
‘Sophie, old girl, I’ve just had a right mess of a day…’
‘What happened, my love?’
‘See, there I was… Or should I say – we,’ he began as she lowered herself on the flattened stalagmite. ‘You see, I’ve met up with my cousin Phillip today. You remember him, old Phillip? I believe you’ve met him last winter over a dinner at one of the villages in Angelbark.’
‘The one that likes roasting villagers with his breath?’ She chuckled at the humorous memory. ‘I believe myself and Olivia took to calling him Marmaduke!’
‘The very same!’ Phillip nodded energetically. ‘And together, we ran into Bingo Stoneface.’
‘Oh, he’s always trouble!’ Sophie gave her husband a stern look.
‘He’s a fine chap, old Bingo, but his tongue gets tied stronger than a sailor’s knot whenever he meets new people. He suggested we go to the sheep farm up north for a luncheon. It’s been abandoned by the farmer for a while now, and has the best mutton joints in the vicinity. So there we were, enjoying our barbecue. Marmaduke was roasting sheep, while myself and Bingo caught up on families and the like. When all of a sudden – a bunch of adventurers shows up!’
Sophie gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.
‘Darling, I’m not sure I’ve got the constitution to hear a story about adventurers before dinner! Those tend to be pretty gruesome!’ She said.
‘Don’t worry, Sophie, this one is merely bizarre, nothing more. The party was led by a gnome lady introduced herself as Camwyna Correlip Beren Loopmitten Nedross Puck Warren Zook.’
‘The name rings a bell, but I don’t think I’ve been personally acquainted with the family,’ Sophie said with a thoughtful expression.
‘She had two bodyguards with her, a winged person and a red man on fire that somehow managed to hide behind her back despite being twice her size. They’ve engaged us in conversation, claiming they knew the owner of the farm and wanted us to relinquish our claim on the livestock.’
‘Has Marmaduke roasted them with his breath?’ Sophie smiled coyly, anticipating a joke.
‘He did nothing of the sort! But Bingo, bless him, tried to explain to them that we were determined to finish our luncheon and advice them to be on their way. But his Common is even worse than mine, the poor chap managed little more than repeating ‘our sheep’ over in over.’
Sophie grimaced and crossed her hands on her chest.
‘Why, if I remember him right, he’d barely be able to say anything more if they were to talk to him in plain Giant, quite a ruffian he is,’ she scoffed.
‘Tongue-tied, as I said,’ Phillip corrected. ‘To make matters worse, Bingo seemed to be quite taken with the girl. He agreed to let the adventurers keep the sheep in exchange for the farm, and the winged man even shared his rations with us as a compensation for our inconvenience. But then, Bingo turns to us and says he’s been charmed!’
‘Wouldn’t expect anything else from adventurers,’ Sophie interjected, but her husband got into the tale too much to get side-tracked.
‘We were about to retaliate, of course, just as we noticed that there were two others who were wrangling sheep all along! A huge dragonborn in a pen right in front of us, and a stealthy looking bloke to our left. The gnome lady, and there was suddenly two of her, shot some sort of hex at Bingo, and others followed suit. The poor chap got battered worse than a sirloin steak! Finally, the winged guy ordered him to run, and Bingo ran like hell, followed all the way by hexes and spells of all colours striking him in his behind. Honestly, I would have found it quite humorous on any other occasion, but at the moment, I had something else to laugh about. The red-skinned guy on fire I've mentioned. As soon as the fight started, he dove into a bush, singeing a tunnel through it. I discounted him altogether, but it appeared his retreat was merely a ruse. He ran all along the hedge to the south from us until he was within a crossbow shot from us. He jumped out of the bush and shouted: Negotiations are Ogre!’
Sophie snorted from a stifled chuckle.
‘Negotiations… Ogre! Because we’re ogres, you see? Hahaha… Oh, well, I suppose it’s not that extraordinarily funny in the hindsight, but at the moment I found it simply hilarious!’ Phillip said, stifling his own laughter. ‘Perhaps his jokes were magically amplified... I fell on the ground and couldn’t stop giggling like a drunk ettin for a full minute! I tried standing up, but every time I thought I was over it, the joke just seemed funnier and I couldn’t move a muscle!’
‘Oh dear, that was quite precarious!’ Sophie said, her features getting serious once again. ‘But what of Marmaduke, was he of no help at all?’
‘He had his own troubles to think of. He went to stomp down one of the ladies hexing us, but the image he went to appeared to be an illusion. He doused the winged gentleman with his fire breath. The lady went up to heal him, but he took off to help the dragonborn with the sheep faster than a dog on fire. Phillip was then assaulted by what I think was a tiny owl. He called after the winged man, as he believed they had to finish their engagement, but the latter just ordered him to run as well, and run he did, a hex from the shadowy chap kicking him in his behind for a good-bye-and-how-do-you-do! And so, there I was, dearest Sophie, lying on the ground, cackling like a swamp hag, observing the dragonborn herding sheep better than a border collie, and that stealthy chap leading the stray ones to join the flock. They positively paraded our entire dinner before me! The red-skinned chap tried to ask the gnome lady out for drinks over a steak - the nerve! - but I don't think she heard him over the sheep baaing.’
‘And you just kept laughing?’
‘In truth, at some point the gravity of my posish has finally outweighed my mirth. I stood up and complimented the red chap on his sense of humour.’
Sophie livened up.
‘Have you fired your crossbow at him, love? I noticed you don’t have any bolts left.’
‘So I did! The chap looked so skinny that I could swear one hit of my crossbow would have knocked him down better than a jug of Missis Miller’s finest brew. But the bastard blocked it with a magical shield of some sort. At the same moment, the gnome lady hit me with another magic blast, I swear she was standing over me waiting when I get up to hit me. A couple of more strikes from the whole group would have done me in, but the burning chap, despite looking pale from fear, threw a couple of handfuls of ash to my face. I swear that was ash, although it looked more like very dusty arrows. And I’ve fallen asleep where I stood! I must have been sleeping as sweetly as a babe, because the sun was already setting when cousin Phillip kicked me awake. And by that time, naturally, all the scoundrels were gone!’
Sophie shook her head judiciously and rose from the stalagmite, her large scantily clad body, which bore more than a passing resemblance to her husband’s form, rippling from the inertia.
‘My, what a ruckus you’ve gotten yourself into, Phillip, dear. Well, all’s well that ends well. Come, the dinner is almost ready.’
‘Brilliant, I'm positively starving!' Phillip grinned and rubbed his belly. 'What are we having tonight, dearest?’
‘Kidney pie with a side of potatoes, curtesy of the local foresters.’
‘What-o? Didn’t know foresters grew potatoes!’
‘They had boiled ones with them, wouldn’t let them go to waste.’
‘Oh, not at all! I hope they are good. At least their livers are always nicely marinated in liquor.’
‘Indeed. And, Phillip,’ she turned to him from the entrance to the cave. ‘If you intend to tell of your misadventures to Phillip junior over the dinner, please watch your language. And don’t forget to ask him about his rock-smashing lessons, he couldn’t wait to tell you about them.’
‘Is everything alright, dear?’ She asked in such a refined accent of her tongue, you’d think she was an Ice Giant rather than a plain ogre girl.
Phillip shook his head, his shoulders slumping.
‘Sophie, old girl, I’ve just had a right mess of a day…’
‘What happened, my love?’
‘See, there I was… Or should I say – we,’ he began as she lowered herself on the flattened stalagmite. ‘You see, I’ve met up with my cousin Phillip today. You remember him, old Phillip? I believe you’ve met him last winter over a dinner at one of the villages in Angelbark.’
‘The one that likes roasting villagers with his breath?’ She chuckled at the humorous memory. ‘I believe myself and Olivia took to calling him Marmaduke!’
‘The very same!’ Phillip nodded energetically. ‘And together, we ran into Bingo Stoneface.’
‘Oh, he’s always trouble!’ Sophie gave her husband a stern look.
‘He’s a fine chap, old Bingo, but his tongue gets tied stronger than a sailor’s knot whenever he meets new people. He suggested we go to the sheep farm up north for a luncheon. It’s been abandoned by the farmer for a while now, and has the best mutton joints in the vicinity. So there we were, enjoying our barbecue. Marmaduke was roasting sheep, while myself and Bingo caught up on families and the like. When all of a sudden – a bunch of adventurers shows up!’
Sophie gasped and covered her mouth with her hand.
‘Darling, I’m not sure I’ve got the constitution to hear a story about adventurers before dinner! Those tend to be pretty gruesome!’ She said.
‘Don’t worry, Sophie, this one is merely bizarre, nothing more. The party was led by a gnome lady introduced herself as Camwyna Correlip Beren Loopmitten Nedross Puck Warren Zook.’
‘The name rings a bell, but I don’t think I’ve been personally acquainted with the family,’ Sophie said with a thoughtful expression.
‘She had two bodyguards with her, a winged person and a red man on fire that somehow managed to hide behind her back despite being twice her size. They’ve engaged us in conversation, claiming they knew the owner of the farm and wanted us to relinquish our claim on the livestock.’
‘Has Marmaduke roasted them with his breath?’ Sophie smiled coyly, anticipating a joke.
‘He did nothing of the sort! But Bingo, bless him, tried to explain to them that we were determined to finish our luncheon and advice them to be on their way. But his Common is even worse than mine, the poor chap managed little more than repeating ‘our sheep’ over in over.’
Sophie grimaced and crossed her hands on her chest.
‘Why, if I remember him right, he’d barely be able to say anything more if they were to talk to him in plain Giant, quite a ruffian he is,’ she scoffed.
‘Tongue-tied, as I said,’ Phillip corrected. ‘To make matters worse, Bingo seemed to be quite taken with the girl. He agreed to let the adventurers keep the sheep in exchange for the farm, and the winged man even shared his rations with us as a compensation for our inconvenience. But then, Bingo turns to us and says he’s been charmed!’
‘Wouldn’t expect anything else from adventurers,’ Sophie interjected, but her husband got into the tale too much to get side-tracked.
‘We were about to retaliate, of course, just as we noticed that there were two others who were wrangling sheep all along! A huge dragonborn in a pen right in front of us, and a stealthy looking bloke to our left. The gnome lady, and there was suddenly two of her, shot some sort of hex at Bingo, and others followed suit. The poor chap got battered worse than a sirloin steak! Finally, the winged guy ordered him to run, and Bingo ran like hell, followed all the way by hexes and spells of all colours striking him in his behind. Honestly, I would have found it quite humorous on any other occasion, but at the moment, I had something else to laugh about. The red-skinned guy on fire I've mentioned. As soon as the fight started, he dove into a bush, singeing a tunnel through it. I discounted him altogether, but it appeared his retreat was merely a ruse. He ran all along the hedge to the south from us until he was within a crossbow shot from us. He jumped out of the bush and shouted: Negotiations are Ogre!’
Sophie snorted from a stifled chuckle.
‘Negotiations… Ogre! Because we’re ogres, you see? Hahaha… Oh, well, I suppose it’s not that extraordinarily funny in the hindsight, but at the moment I found it simply hilarious!’ Phillip said, stifling his own laughter. ‘Perhaps his jokes were magically amplified... I fell on the ground and couldn’t stop giggling like a drunk ettin for a full minute! I tried standing up, but every time I thought I was over it, the joke just seemed funnier and I couldn’t move a muscle!’
‘Oh dear, that was quite precarious!’ Sophie said, her features getting serious once again. ‘But what of Marmaduke, was he of no help at all?’
‘He had his own troubles to think of. He went to stomp down one of the ladies hexing us, but the image he went to appeared to be an illusion. He doused the winged gentleman with his fire breath. The lady went up to heal him, but he took off to help the dragonborn with the sheep faster than a dog on fire. Phillip was then assaulted by what I think was a tiny owl. He called after the winged man, as he believed they had to finish their engagement, but the latter just ordered him to run as well, and run he did, a hex from the shadowy chap kicking him in his behind for a good-bye-and-how-do-you-do! And so, there I was, dearest Sophie, lying on the ground, cackling like a swamp hag, observing the dragonborn herding sheep better than a border collie, and that stealthy chap leading the stray ones to join the flock. They positively paraded our entire dinner before me! The red-skinned chap tried to ask the gnome lady out for drinks over a steak - the nerve! - but I don't think she heard him over the sheep baaing.’
‘And you just kept laughing?’
‘In truth, at some point the gravity of my posish has finally outweighed my mirth. I stood up and complimented the red chap on his sense of humour.’
Sophie livened up.
‘Have you fired your crossbow at him, love? I noticed you don’t have any bolts left.’
‘So I did! The chap looked so skinny that I could swear one hit of my crossbow would have knocked him down better than a jug of Missis Miller’s finest brew. But the bastard blocked it with a magical shield of some sort. At the same moment, the gnome lady hit me with another magic blast, I swear she was standing over me waiting when I get up to hit me. A couple of more strikes from the whole group would have done me in, but the burning chap, despite looking pale from fear, threw a couple of handfuls of ash to my face. I swear that was ash, although it looked more like very dusty arrows. And I’ve fallen asleep where I stood! I must have been sleeping as sweetly as a babe, because the sun was already setting when cousin Phillip kicked me awake. And by that time, naturally, all the scoundrels were gone!’
Sophie shook her head judiciously and rose from the stalagmite, her large scantily clad body, which bore more than a passing resemblance to her husband’s form, rippling from the inertia.
‘My, what a ruckus you’ve gotten yourself into, Phillip, dear. Well, all’s well that ends well. Come, the dinner is almost ready.’
‘Brilliant, I'm positively starving!' Phillip grinned and rubbed his belly. 'What are we having tonight, dearest?’
‘Kidney pie with a side of potatoes, curtesy of the local foresters.’
‘What-o? Didn’t know foresters grew potatoes!’
‘They had boiled ones with them, wouldn’t let them go to waste.’
‘Oh, not at all! I hope they are good. At least their livers are always nicely marinated in liquor.’
‘Indeed. And, Phillip,’ she turned to him from the entrance to the cave. ‘If you intend to tell of your misadventures to Phillip junior over the dinner, please watch your language. And don’t forget to ask him about his rock-smashing lessons, he couldn’t wait to tell you about them.’
