Rage against the Ghost in the Machine - Varga - 11/05/21

Dear Sir/Madam,


I presently give you my account of the awful occurrence at my fine and upright (save the left side of the building) establishment. A group of four middle-aged ladies and a cat have visited the Hung Rabbit yesterday. They claimed to have just defeated pentadrones, but they were not clear on it, said it might have been decapods and told me to look it up. They appeared to have returned from some sort of a crusade, as among them was a particularly excited half-orc proclaiming to, and I quote, 'having got one up on the stupid order god Primus. Can you imagine?! A god of ORDER? Bahgtru would serve him to Gruumsh for breakfast!' Given the history of our glorious city, I was reasonably troubled by the utterance, but decided to let the bygones be bygones, especially with the commemorative date just around the corner. Had I but known what horrors my otherwise fine and respectable establishment would be subjected to, I would not have allowed them in.


The group proceeded to order a round of beers. They raised a toast to a gentleman called Derek, and his, and I am once again forced to quote 'silly mine smithy and the fine loot it provided'. I fear they were referring to the abandoned copper mine north of the city, and henceforth beseech you to inquire if there is any illicit activity going on there. Furthermore, their fierce weaponry, among which were axes, crossbows, a shield, a rapier, a cat, and fanatical devotion to some gods, begs the question if their visit to said mine might have amplified the damage it had sustained in the recent ill-fated natural gas explosion.


After the first round of drinks, a competition started, the likes of which the owners of fine and decorous establishments such as myself are no strangers to. The nature of such competition consists of consuming copious amounts of alcohol, and the competitor consuming the highest amount wins. After several rounds, the half-orc, the tiefling and the halfling walked into a bar. Literally walked right into the counter, they seemed to have been quite inebriated at that point. They asked for my strongest stuff. Henceforth, the following damage was inflicted upon my property:


1) Herbal tea – 1(one). Ordered by a shy Aasimar cleric. As a bar owner, I am deeply offended by someone ordering a herbal tea in my fine and reputable establishment, where the content of sewer water in beer had never exceeded 10%, and demand to be compensated for moral damages sustained in the act.

2) Drop of slippery oil – 1(one). Poured on the floor as a prank by a tiefling. I don't care about my staff and patrons slipping on it the whole evening, it was actually quite humorous, but we did have to clean it afterwards.

3) Hung rabbits – 2(two). Presented to me by the half-orc to compensate for the lack of appropriate décor in the homonymous establishment, at the Aasimar's insistence that she needed to compensate me for the inconvenience anyway. The half-orc claimed to have taken it from a Primus follower. I dare not touch any religious sacrifices and consider the rabbits a hazardous material, and therefore request them to be removed from my property.

4) Towel – 1 (one). Was constantly misplaced by the halfling as a prank. Having nothing to wipe glasses and tankards with for half the evening, I've experienced a severe existential crisis and demand to be compensated for the suffering inflicted upon my person.

5) Bar counter – 1(one). Hacked to pieces with a great axe by an enraged half-orc after a cat breathed fire on the strong drinks and they failed to catch on fire themselves. She claimed I was fleecing them and watering down my drinks. I had such devious allegations thrown at me before (sans tankards being thrown at me right after). In actual fact, my fine and proper establishment runs a Sobriety Campaign, the details of which are summarised on the back of the menu put up on the inward-facing side of the back door for everyone to see.

6) Shot glasses – 5(five). Shoved from the counter by the fire-breathing cat. In view of the cat's cuteness I am willing to forego the compensation for 1(one) glass.

7) Moral damage caused by witnessing a cat breathe fire.

8) Bet - 5sp. Bet by myself on the orc winning the drinking game, yet the halfling emerged victorious, followed by the tiefling.



The damage has been witnessed by a number of upstanding citizens, albeit they were more of sideways-leaning citizens at the time.


Henceforward, I would like to request you to ascertain the damage done to my fine and well-known establishment by those ruffians, thus ensuring that my claim will be paid in full by my insurance provider.



Yours truly,

Dhauzith, the owner of Hung Rabbit, a fine and respectable establishment.



Resolution: Varga of the Crushin' Boulders clan paid a settlement of 5gp and complemented the Hung Rabbit on hosting a smashin' party. The road to the mine checked by two watchmen. There appeared to be a new road to it, much more direct, cut across the forest by some sort of a stampeding beast. Remains of the destroyed automatons and copper ore donated to the Hammerfall Smithy.


Case closed.