Deputised - Varga - 06/05/2021
May 8, 2021 12:47:42 GMT
Jamie J, 'Breeze' Ladrian, and 3 more like this
Post by Varga on May 8, 2021 12:47:42 GMT
Hear ye, hear ye! The new adventure of the Great Orc Detective! Read today (or not, there really are no deadlines and obligations)
The Adventure of a Closed Door,
In which Port Ffirst's woodwork population takes a hit, two people die (and get better), and the gardener strikes again.
Thought Port Ffirst would be boring again. But found a note from the Watch, they needed help with a prisoner. Maybe he'd try to run away or his friends would bust him out. Could be fun, so I ran to the Watch House. Met Faust and Velania there. Strange. Why would they want to watch a criminal? To set him right or something? Two other guys, a paladin with a huge sun on the chest, and a shady-looking wizard with them. Didn't look like they could be looted, so not interested.
Went inside. A half-orc watchwoman named Ootine looked worried. Very shameful, but I won't tell her parents. Said it was a big day to transfer a criminal. And other watchmen, Jum and Alkas, didn't show up for work. Well, they were clearly dead.
We all went downstairs to guard the criminal. The cell door was locked, but he wasn't there. Checked that he wasn't there with dust and with magic. The wizard, Simon, wanted to check he wasn't there with fire. I might like him. He agreed not to go ahead, because the prisoner was needed alive. Faust decided to check if he wasn't there with a love story. I ran off, because I was needed alive. Told Ootine what happened. She panicked. Might tell her parents after all. Where are her manners?
Anyway, the criminal, Bell Ring, went missing, and nobody knew how - he didn't have anything on him to escape. Either a very bad criminal not to have anything, or got caught on purpose. Simon thought he was still in the cell somehow, but I knew better. Bell Ring disappearing was a mystery – that meant a gardener did it. But needed proof. We went to Jum's place first. The other guy went to the inn where Bell Ring was staying, so he was definitely dead by that point. Went after a guy who might have been less dead.
The door was closed. I opened the door with my foot. The door stayed open on the floor. Smart. It knew who it was dealing with. The room was a mess, a table's leg was broken off and lying nearby. Jum on the floor, not dead, just unconscious. No looting for me again, and no gardener. Velania went to check if he was alright. Checked really well. Said he was fine, just had a lump on the head, and a family history of cardiovascular problems on his mother's side. He didn't know anything about Bell Ring's escape. He was knocked out by a stick. Pathetic. Must try being criminal in Port Ffirst, the local City Watch is useless. Just need to confirm that their captain is not an aging drunkard who is tired of everybody's shit, smokes shitty cigars and wears a sprig of lilac in late spring, and I can go ahead.
Faust asked me to close the door when we were leaving. I'm not a savage, of course I closed the door. It wouldn't open again, but it was as closed as it could be. We went to the Seashank. Challenged others to a drinking contest. Velania bought a beer and gave it to me. Wise to surrender. Faust bought beers for himself and Jonah, didn't drink. Jonah chugged his beer over his shoulder. Hit several people behind him. Technically, I won. Not my problem they don't know what to do with beer.
Went upstairs. The door was closed. I wanted to open it with my foot, but Velania opened it with her hand – it was unlocked.
'See,' she said, her angelic choir hitting a high note. 'I told you should trust in Selune!'
'Didn't know Selune is watching over doors.' I shrugged.
The door lived to see another day, but it immediately betrayed its saviors by closing behind us and refusing to open again. Maybe that would teach Velania not to go around trusting doors.
The room looked almost as bad as Jum's place: bed, bedside table, table with a book in the middle of the room, a wardrobe and a fireplace – nothing to loot. No gardener, and the furniture not broken. Jonah decided to amend that and poked a bed with a javelin. There was nothing wrong with the bed. There was a book in a drawer of the bedside table, it didn't do anything. Books never do. Faust suggested he opens the wardrobe, and I stand guard, but it was my turn to poke at things with sharp objects. I poked the rug with my axe. There was a door handle beneath it.
'But we're on the first floor,' I said. 'Must be rigged.'
'It's a trap door,' Faust nodded.
Simon and Velania opened the room door using some panels in it. It felt unnatural: this is not how doors are supposed to be opened. Besides, this door trapped us in the room, or trapped the room with us. It deserved no mercy. Faust examined the fireplace. I decided to open the wardrobe without him. Wasn't going to use him as a meat shield anyway. Wouldn't use a shield as a shield, why would I use him?
As I opened the wardrobe, a bunch of vines jumped out and tried to kill themselves by attacking me. That meant we were closing in on the gardener! I wasn't able to turn in time to hack at the vines properly and got really angry. Jonah shouted 'Someone forgot to trim the bush!' and jumped at it with his great sword. Missed, too. Don't like paladins – too much armor and shields, very cowardly. He didn't use shield, just a two-handed sword. Putting all his faith into offense, ignoring protection – very reckless, I respect him. Simon managed to set the bush on fire. That looked very pretty. Inspired by the sight, I hacked at the vines, cut about a dozen of them in one go. Jonah followed suite. He should've been a berserker, would've suited him better.
Cut down more of the shrubbery, saw a guy in the cupboard, entangled by the vines. He looked terrified. Thought about why. What scared him? There was I, hacking at the vines with two axes, eyes aglow with the holy fury of Gruumsh. Jonah, slashing at it with the sword, sun on his chest glimmering in the flicks of blue fire consuming the plant. Nothing out of place so far. A fire version of Simon, dancing inappropriately and laughing demonically in the flames. Silver sparkles from Velania's spells going off all over the room. Vines thrashing in agonizing pain in front of us. He'd seen them already. Faust standing in front of the fireplace reading poem 'Heal the World'. Ah, there it is. Some people really don't know how to read the room. One of these days, I'm going to get Faust, sit him down, and give him a really good talk about battle etiquette. You read poems after the fight, and you mention all the foes you vanquished in them. It's not that hard.
Soon, the bush made its final mistake. It hit me with a very large vine. It didn't survive to reevaluate its life choices. I brought down my axe all the way through the vines right down to the floor.
We saved Alkas, although Jonah initially called the guy in the burning bush something else. So the other watchman also wasn't dead, and also didn't know about Bell Ring's escape. I swear, one of these days, I'm robbing someone in this city. With the Watch like this, they're practically asking for it. Alkas did say I looked intimidating, though. I don't get a lot of compliments, must have blushed.
We ransacked the room a bit more. Faust and Velania read through the papers they found in the fireplace and under the bed, and put together what I already knew – that Bell Ring got caught on purpose. They said he was planning a robbery somewhere in the Tri Tooth Wharf. I tried to look out of the window to see if I could spot what he wanted to rob (maybe rob it first, it's not like there would be a lot of resistance here). I opened the window, and suddenly saw a snake trying to kill itself by constricting me. I tried stomping it. It disappeared. Was an illusion. It didn't even exist, and I still killed it. It was a good day. And we even found some loot!
Went back to the Watch House. Guards put together what people all the way up in Daring Heights must have known by now – that Bell Ring got caught on purpose because he needed some plans in the Watch House, he escaped and was about to rob something in the Tri Tooth Wharf. He planted the vines in his wardrobe to delay the guards. Shame we never got to catch him, but it didn't really matter because we've solved the mystery – the gardener (again, not a great one) did it, and that meant we could get our money and leave this temple of incompetence for good.
The Adventure of a Closed Door,
In which Port Ffirst's woodwork population takes a hit, two people die (and get better), and the gardener strikes again.
Thought Port Ffirst would be boring again. But found a note from the Watch, they needed help with a prisoner. Maybe he'd try to run away or his friends would bust him out. Could be fun, so I ran to the Watch House. Met Faust and Velania there. Strange. Why would they want to watch a criminal? To set him right or something? Two other guys, a paladin with a huge sun on the chest, and a shady-looking wizard with them. Didn't look like they could be looted, so not interested.
Went inside. A half-orc watchwoman named Ootine looked worried. Very shameful, but I won't tell her parents. Said it was a big day to transfer a criminal. And other watchmen, Jum and Alkas, didn't show up for work. Well, they were clearly dead.
We all went downstairs to guard the criminal. The cell door was locked, but he wasn't there. Checked that he wasn't there with dust and with magic. The wizard, Simon, wanted to check he wasn't there with fire. I might like him. He agreed not to go ahead, because the prisoner was needed alive. Faust decided to check if he wasn't there with a love story. I ran off, because I was needed alive. Told Ootine what happened. She panicked. Might tell her parents after all. Where are her manners?
Anyway, the criminal, Bell Ring, went missing, and nobody knew how - he didn't have anything on him to escape. Either a very bad criminal not to have anything, or got caught on purpose. Simon thought he was still in the cell somehow, but I knew better. Bell Ring disappearing was a mystery – that meant a gardener did it. But needed proof. We went to Jum's place first. The other guy went to the inn where Bell Ring was staying, so he was definitely dead by that point. Went after a guy who might have been less dead.
The door was closed. I opened the door with my foot. The door stayed open on the floor. Smart. It knew who it was dealing with. The room was a mess, a table's leg was broken off and lying nearby. Jum on the floor, not dead, just unconscious. No looting for me again, and no gardener. Velania went to check if he was alright. Checked really well. Said he was fine, just had a lump on the head, and a family history of cardiovascular problems on his mother's side. He didn't know anything about Bell Ring's escape. He was knocked out by a stick. Pathetic. Must try being criminal in Port Ffirst, the local City Watch is useless. Just need to confirm that their captain is not an aging drunkard who is tired of everybody's shit, smokes shitty cigars and wears a sprig of lilac in late spring, and I can go ahead.
Faust asked me to close the door when we were leaving. I'm not a savage, of course I closed the door. It wouldn't open again, but it was as closed as it could be. We went to the Seashank. Challenged others to a drinking contest. Velania bought a beer and gave it to me. Wise to surrender. Faust bought beers for himself and Jonah, didn't drink. Jonah chugged his beer over his shoulder. Hit several people behind him. Technically, I won. Not my problem they don't know what to do with beer.
Went upstairs. The door was closed. I wanted to open it with my foot, but Velania opened it with her hand – it was unlocked.
'See,' she said, her angelic choir hitting a high note. 'I told you should trust in Selune!'
'Didn't know Selune is watching over doors.' I shrugged.
The door lived to see another day, but it immediately betrayed its saviors by closing behind us and refusing to open again. Maybe that would teach Velania not to go around trusting doors.
The room looked almost as bad as Jum's place: bed, bedside table, table with a book in the middle of the room, a wardrobe and a fireplace – nothing to loot. No gardener, and the furniture not broken. Jonah decided to amend that and poked a bed with a javelin. There was nothing wrong with the bed. There was a book in a drawer of the bedside table, it didn't do anything. Books never do. Faust suggested he opens the wardrobe, and I stand guard, but it was my turn to poke at things with sharp objects. I poked the rug with my axe. There was a door handle beneath it.
'But we're on the first floor,' I said. 'Must be rigged.'
'It's a trap door,' Faust nodded.
Simon and Velania opened the room door using some panels in it. It felt unnatural: this is not how doors are supposed to be opened. Besides, this door trapped us in the room, or trapped the room with us. It deserved no mercy. Faust examined the fireplace. I decided to open the wardrobe without him. Wasn't going to use him as a meat shield anyway. Wouldn't use a shield as a shield, why would I use him?
As I opened the wardrobe, a bunch of vines jumped out and tried to kill themselves by attacking me. That meant we were closing in on the gardener! I wasn't able to turn in time to hack at the vines properly and got really angry. Jonah shouted 'Someone forgot to trim the bush!' and jumped at it with his great sword. Missed, too. Don't like paladins – too much armor and shields, very cowardly. He didn't use shield, just a two-handed sword. Putting all his faith into offense, ignoring protection – very reckless, I respect him. Simon managed to set the bush on fire. That looked very pretty. Inspired by the sight, I hacked at the vines, cut about a dozen of them in one go. Jonah followed suite. He should've been a berserker, would've suited him better.
Cut down more of the shrubbery, saw a guy in the cupboard, entangled by the vines. He looked terrified. Thought about why. What scared him? There was I, hacking at the vines with two axes, eyes aglow with the holy fury of Gruumsh. Jonah, slashing at it with the sword, sun on his chest glimmering in the flicks of blue fire consuming the plant. Nothing out of place so far. A fire version of Simon, dancing inappropriately and laughing demonically in the flames. Silver sparkles from Velania's spells going off all over the room. Vines thrashing in agonizing pain in front of us. He'd seen them already. Faust standing in front of the fireplace reading poem 'Heal the World'. Ah, there it is. Some people really don't know how to read the room. One of these days, I'm going to get Faust, sit him down, and give him a really good talk about battle etiquette. You read poems after the fight, and you mention all the foes you vanquished in them. It's not that hard.
Soon, the bush made its final mistake. It hit me with a very large vine. It didn't survive to reevaluate its life choices. I brought down my axe all the way through the vines right down to the floor.
We saved Alkas, although Jonah initially called the guy in the burning bush something else. So the other watchman also wasn't dead, and also didn't know about Bell Ring's escape. I swear, one of these days, I'm robbing someone in this city. With the Watch like this, they're practically asking for it. Alkas did say I looked intimidating, though. I don't get a lot of compliments, must have blushed.
We ransacked the room a bit more. Faust and Velania read through the papers they found in the fireplace and under the bed, and put together what I already knew – that Bell Ring got caught on purpose. They said he was planning a robbery somewhere in the Tri Tooth Wharf. I tried to look out of the window to see if I could spot what he wanted to rob (maybe rob it first, it's not like there would be a lot of resistance here). I opened the window, and suddenly saw a snake trying to kill itself by constricting me. I tried stomping it. It disappeared. Was an illusion. It didn't even exist, and I still killed it. It was a good day. And we even found some loot!
Went back to the Watch House. Guards put together what people all the way up in Daring Heights must have known by now – that Bell Ring got caught on purpose because he needed some plans in the Watch House, he escaped and was about to rob something in the Tri Tooth Wharf. He planted the vines in his wardrobe to delay the guards. Shame we never got to catch him, but it didn't really matter because we've solved the mystery – the gardener (again, not a great one) did it, and that meant we could get our money and leave this temple of incompetence for good.
Great writing!
