The Gnolls Horde Write Up - "Porky Pie"- August 1st - Val
Aug 2, 2017 22:10:24 GMT
Dorian, Moth, and 1 more like this
Post by The Sergeant / Alisha on Aug 2, 2017 22:10:24 GMT
Val heaved the wooden planks from his naked shoulder and dropped them in a pile in front of him. As the morning sun shone down, he could feel the skin on his back began to prickle. The houses around Kantas were going up quickly, which meant long days in the sun for Val as he helped with the construction. He looked at the pale oak frame of the half-built home in front of him, and considered how long it would be till he too could afford a place of his own. One with a proper pillow.
“Val.” The foreman, Jerald approached, a short-fat man, with a red birthmark on his left cheek.
“Sorry boss.” Val turned to collect the next stack of planks.
“Enough of that.” He patted Val’s wet back awkwardly, before smiling as he dried his hand, “Let’s call it a day. Tell the others. We’ve been invited to Merrick’s farm for the opening of his new brew.”
“Merrick?” Val was trying to piece together the idea of having an afternoon off.
“We fixed his roofing two weeks back. The large barn. I’ll see you there.” And off Jerald waddled, “Oh, Anton. Anton - we’ve all been invited to Merrick’s -”
Merrick's barn was full with locals who had been invited to try his recent brew. Tradesmen, local farmers, the odd merchant. Val summed up this was an event for those concerned to network over a good ale. And it was good. Fruity and smooth, with a pale golden hue.
With the sun drawing in, and a few mugs down, Val looked across the farm houses and fields and thought how open and green it was compared to the alleys he had grown up in. A cool wind blew, and Val smiled to himself, before his mind began to wonder to an old friend. A bell tolled from within the huge barn, the same barn Val had helped repair a few weeks back. A small leak in the roof, now good as new.
As Val stepped inside the barn, he seated himself on a small hay bale at the back, with a makeshift table made from an upturned wooden box in front of him. In the centre of the barn a huge round wooden table stood, surrounded by smaller tables, stools and barrels full of Merrick's brew. Young girls brought people fresh mugs of ale, farmers talked about the sun and the rain, and everyone drank and smiled.
Then from near the large table in the centre Val heard a voice call out above the din of conversation.
“Do I have a story for you tonight,
I think I do,
I think I might.”
A skinny man, with a shaven head, and sharp nose called out as he stepped from the hay littered floor, to a vacant stood, and onto the large round table. Many of those in the barn recognised the man’s harsh city accent and looked up to the table with excitement.
“Are your ales full?” The skinny man on the table called out.
“Aye,” A man nearby banged his mug on one of Merrick’s barrels as he smiled, not noticing he as he spilled some of the drink on his sweat stained shirt.
The skinny man marched in a circle around the edge of the round table, “Are your arses on seats?”
“Aye.” Called out more from the audience. One woman ran from the barn opening to plant herself on a seat in a rush that almost sent her stool tipping over. Laughter followed around her, and she smiled with embarrassment then glugged her ale.
“And are you ready for a tale!” The skinny man called out across the barn, which was now full with everyone who was at Merrick’s gathering. Val watched from near the back, as more called out, this time in unison, chanting, “Aye, aye, Porky Pie!”
“Then I shall begin.”
A blonde farm girl placed a new of ale mug in front of Val, “Who is this guy?” Val spoke to her over the chant of the audience.
“Porky Pie?” She turned and smiled toward the skinny man on the table, then glared back to Val, “He’s Porky Pie.”
“Right…” Val sipped his drink and settled into his haybale seat. The farm girl turned and clapped her hands in anticipation. Val looked at the man, his long black leather coat, his dark red shirt, and his cleanly shaved head. Val smiled to himself. To Val, he looked like a children’s drawing of a pirate, not even an impressive pirate. But by now every eye in the room was locked onto this Porky Pie.
“A tale has come to my attention,
One that deserves a little suspension,” Porky looked to the left, revealing a tattoo of what looked like a seven-legged spider on the right hand side of his neck,
“Its full of tension,” He smiled, revealing several brown teeth on his lower jaw,
“A little evisceration,” He looked to the punters on the right who smiled back,
“A heap of condemnation.” Porky leaned forward on the table, as a young boy peered up at him, “And it’s fucking good.” The boy giggled and the crowed clapped.
“Where to begin.” Porky opened his arms,
“Seven adventurers, all full of sin,
“Demon-Tieflings, a Half-Orc that stank of bin,
Dirty Half-Elves, and our own dear kin,”
A tall man with red hair in the audience stood, raising his mug, “Humankind!” A man sitting on an upturned bucket near Val, raised his mug, as did a few others in the barn.
Porky smiled to the tall man and continued,
“They set out this week, for gnolls they seek,
Their destination a cave - ladies and gentlemen our adventurers were brave
- even the Tiefling, for a while” Porky winked to the boy at the front. Again a laughter around the barn.
“For not hour outside of town, their luck seemed to be down,
As they approached the northern woods,
What did they spy through their soaked hoods?
Through the wind and the rain, our human friends thought they were going insane,
For the monster they saw, had three heads as it let out a roar.
It came charging at our manfolk,
But they were God-Blessed true blokes.
They were not scared - I don’t lie to ya,
For what they saw was a three-headed hydra.”
Men in the audience cheered, while the gasp of a woman could be hard at the mention of a hydra. Val caught himself as he realised, much like everyone else in the barn, he too was leaning forward listening to Porky.
Porky pointed a long index finger into the crowd, “I mentioned there was a dirty Half-Elf - how do I describe this melt?
“Dirty bastard that’s what I say.” To Val’s surprise he looked to see the blonde farmgirl who served him had called out.
“Perfect - a drink for you my dear,
Don’t get fancy just get yourself a beer.” Again laughter from the audience. Porky’s foot began to beat a rhythm on the table that had become his stage.
“This dirty Half-Elf bastard was fighting for his life,
And all he had one little knife.
This monster weren’t having none of that,
It wanted to eat the damn fairy twat.
The hydra bit for its flesh,
And I’ll tell ya this Half-Elf didn’t half make a mess.” The beat of Porky’s foot was echoed by others in the audience.
“He would have been elven kebab,
Had it not been for our human lads.
With sword and with fire they did inspire,
One speared a gut, one cleaved a head
One said ‘Men, let’s put this beast to bed.’
And so they did
And so they won,
And so they feasted on hydra lung!”
The crowd rose to their feet, and cheered and clapped, and drank more of the fine ale. Again Val found himself leaning forward as he peered through the crowd at Porky. He went to take another sip of ale, then stopped and looked at Porky, only now realising this tale closely resembled that of Val’s last outing, aside from many of the factual details. Val stood, looking around the barn to see if any of his fellow adventurers were present. They weren’t. And as Val studied the crowd he noticed all he saw were humans. Men and women and children. All humans.
Porky spoke out again, “Do I have a story for you this eve.
With my words I weave,
So do not leave.
Feast on Merrick’s fine ale,
And I will continue my tale.” Porky licked his lips, lengthening out his saga.
“One beast done, but the war was not won.
Our men continued their march.
Throughout the night they did not tire
As the wind howled and the rain poured
They then realised, that the Half-Orc at the back was a terrible bore.”
Val watched the crowd laugh as each rhyme was delivered.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, permit me to set the scene,
They arrived outside a cave, and it was not clean.
Blood and guts,
Skulls and rats,
It stank like a dwarven baff.
The adventures stood outside of the cave,
Again, waiting for our humans to be brave.
But before they entered, they heard a cry,
Not from the Half-Elf this time.
The cry came from within the cavern
A cry of fear, of terror, of pain
And out ran a gnoll, wounded and bloodied,
Past the adventurers it hurried.
It would still be running this eve,
Was it not for an arrow that did cleave.
As the gnoll hit the deck,
The Tiefling quivered, calling out, ‘Oh heck’.” Porky mimicked the trembling of a girl, and the crowded clapped and roared and shouted out.
“What did this gnoll flee?
“I don’t know if you’ll believe.” Porky feigned a laugh to himself.
Val looked on, now leaning against a wall closer to the table. He committed Porky’s shrill city accent, sharp nose, his shaved head and his spider tattoo to memory as he watched on.
“From the darkness came a voice,
Of one the Half-Orc recognised,
The voice spoke out, ‘Half-Orc, Half-Orc - it is I,
The elven lass who caught your eye,
The one with who you wished to lie
And who you left to die.’
That is correct ladies and gents
This beast had sacrificed his love to save himself,
I tell you straight, if you ain’t Human, you’re a melt.
And so, the Half-Orc began to cry,
Until he heard her voice, ‘And now you’re gonna die.’
You heard it right, she was pissed,
She wasn’t gonna give him a kiss.
This elven lass came out of the shadow,
Her skin of black, her fingers long and narrow
Her hair of green, she now wore wings,
Her teeth sharp enough to sting.
And a horde of demons by her side
As she took to air and began to glide.
I know, I know, it doesn’t sound true,
But purely between me and you,
I saw it with my own eyes,
That is right, for Porky never lies.”
Again Porky’s foot stamped on the table, the rhythm echoed around the room.
“These demons were warriors of shadow,
Some with magic, others with bow and arrow,
With swords for arms, and an eye for a head,
All they wanted was our men folk dead.”
Porky’s voice painted vivid pictures in each and every mind in the barn.
“And so the battle began
Between darkness and light,
A human bard sang
As he cut through foes,
Another human warrior fighting toe to toe.
And what of our Half-Elf I hear you ask;
Throw into the air and sitting on his arse.
Still our men fought on,
The Half-Orc just thinking about his shlong
And this undead elf he wanted to fuck.
Well folks, today just weren’t his luck.
One of the shadows cut him in two.
The Tiefling ran, his pants now covered in poo.
Alone against a sea of undead
Our humans fought - it is our butter and our bread.
They fought for Kantas
They fought for you
While the Tiefling was wiping away his poo.
One fiend down, and another
From today I call them my brothers.
Ladies and gents, they are our heros
The men who vanished the undead to zero
All around them, they killed and mained
And so I sing this tale, for their fame!” And with that Porky threw his hands into the air, and the crowd clapped and cheered. The few who were still sitting were now on their feet with everyone else. The small boy at the front was so excited he jumped onto the stage. Porky laughed as he lifted the boy up, and the crowd chanted, “Aye! Aye! Porky Pie! Aye! Aye! Porky Pie!”
Val stood outside, again looking out the to fields, but now they were dark, the moon hidden behind clouds.
“What you looking for - all the girls are in there.”
Val turned to see a silhouette between him and the yellow light coming from the noisy barn. The strong city accent Val had heard all night spoke once more, “You’re a mean looking bastard.”
Val said nothing, as he eyed Porky’s outline, framed by the light behind him.
“You like my story?” Porky cocked his head to the side.
“Where did you hear it?” Val moved so he wasn’t looking toward the light of the barn. Porky’s face was pale in the darkness.
“Didn’t you listen. I didn’t hear it, I was there mate.” Porky glugged Merrick’s ale.
“Really?” Val locked eyes with Porky. He looked deep, and saw what he had seen many times in the alleys of Waterdeep, a dangerous man with nothing to lose.
Val left the noise of the barn behind him as he walked back to town in the darkness.The noise of girls laughing, and men drinking, and Porky’s shrill voice could be hard until the early hours.
“Val.” The foreman, Jerald approached, a short-fat man, with a red birthmark on his left cheek.
“Sorry boss.” Val turned to collect the next stack of planks.
“Enough of that.” He patted Val’s wet back awkwardly, before smiling as he dried his hand, “Let’s call it a day. Tell the others. We’ve been invited to Merrick’s farm for the opening of his new brew.”
“Merrick?” Val was trying to piece together the idea of having an afternoon off.
“We fixed his roofing two weeks back. The large barn. I’ll see you there.” And off Jerald waddled, “Oh, Anton. Anton - we’ve all been invited to Merrick’s -”
Merrick's barn was full with locals who had been invited to try his recent brew. Tradesmen, local farmers, the odd merchant. Val summed up this was an event for those concerned to network over a good ale. And it was good. Fruity and smooth, with a pale golden hue.
With the sun drawing in, and a few mugs down, Val looked across the farm houses and fields and thought how open and green it was compared to the alleys he had grown up in. A cool wind blew, and Val smiled to himself, before his mind began to wonder to an old friend. A bell tolled from within the huge barn, the same barn Val had helped repair a few weeks back. A small leak in the roof, now good as new.
As Val stepped inside the barn, he seated himself on a small hay bale at the back, with a makeshift table made from an upturned wooden box in front of him. In the centre of the barn a huge round wooden table stood, surrounded by smaller tables, stools and barrels full of Merrick's brew. Young girls brought people fresh mugs of ale, farmers talked about the sun and the rain, and everyone drank and smiled.
Then from near the large table in the centre Val heard a voice call out above the din of conversation.
“Do I have a story for you tonight,
I think I do,
I think I might.”
A skinny man, with a shaven head, and sharp nose called out as he stepped from the hay littered floor, to a vacant stood, and onto the large round table. Many of those in the barn recognised the man’s harsh city accent and looked up to the table with excitement.
“Are your ales full?” The skinny man on the table called out.
“Aye,” A man nearby banged his mug on one of Merrick’s barrels as he smiled, not noticing he as he spilled some of the drink on his sweat stained shirt.
The skinny man marched in a circle around the edge of the round table, “Are your arses on seats?”
“Aye.” Called out more from the audience. One woman ran from the barn opening to plant herself on a seat in a rush that almost sent her stool tipping over. Laughter followed around her, and she smiled with embarrassment then glugged her ale.
“And are you ready for a tale!” The skinny man called out across the barn, which was now full with everyone who was at Merrick’s gathering. Val watched from near the back, as more called out, this time in unison, chanting, “Aye, aye, Porky Pie!”
“Then I shall begin.”
A blonde farm girl placed a new of ale mug in front of Val, “Who is this guy?” Val spoke to her over the chant of the audience.
“Porky Pie?” She turned and smiled toward the skinny man on the table, then glared back to Val, “He’s Porky Pie.”
“Right…” Val sipped his drink and settled into his haybale seat. The farm girl turned and clapped her hands in anticipation. Val looked at the man, his long black leather coat, his dark red shirt, and his cleanly shaved head. Val smiled to himself. To Val, he looked like a children’s drawing of a pirate, not even an impressive pirate. But by now every eye in the room was locked onto this Porky Pie.
“A tale has come to my attention,
One that deserves a little suspension,” Porky looked to the left, revealing a tattoo of what looked like a seven-legged spider on the right hand side of his neck,
“Its full of tension,” He smiled, revealing several brown teeth on his lower jaw,
“A little evisceration,” He looked to the punters on the right who smiled back,
“A heap of condemnation.” Porky leaned forward on the table, as a young boy peered up at him, “And it’s fucking good.” The boy giggled and the crowed clapped.
“Where to begin.” Porky opened his arms,
“Seven adventurers, all full of sin,
“Demon-Tieflings, a Half-Orc that stank of bin,
Dirty Half-Elves, and our own dear kin,”
A tall man with red hair in the audience stood, raising his mug, “Humankind!” A man sitting on an upturned bucket near Val, raised his mug, as did a few others in the barn.
Porky smiled to the tall man and continued,
“They set out this week, for gnolls they seek,
Their destination a cave - ladies and gentlemen our adventurers were brave
- even the Tiefling, for a while” Porky winked to the boy at the front. Again a laughter around the barn.
“For not hour outside of town, their luck seemed to be down,
As they approached the northern woods,
What did they spy through their soaked hoods?
Through the wind and the rain, our human friends thought they were going insane,
For the monster they saw, had three heads as it let out a roar.
It came charging at our manfolk,
But they were God-Blessed true blokes.
They were not scared - I don’t lie to ya,
For what they saw was a three-headed hydra.”
Men in the audience cheered, while the gasp of a woman could be hard at the mention of a hydra. Val caught himself as he realised, much like everyone else in the barn, he too was leaning forward listening to Porky.
Porky pointed a long index finger into the crowd, “I mentioned there was a dirty Half-Elf - how do I describe this melt?
“Dirty bastard that’s what I say.” To Val’s surprise he looked to see the blonde farmgirl who served him had called out.
“Perfect - a drink for you my dear,
Don’t get fancy just get yourself a beer.” Again laughter from the audience. Porky’s foot began to beat a rhythm on the table that had become his stage.
“This dirty Half-Elf bastard was fighting for his life,
And all he had one little knife.
This monster weren’t having none of that,
It wanted to eat the damn fairy twat.
The hydra bit for its flesh,
And I’ll tell ya this Half-Elf didn’t half make a mess.” The beat of Porky’s foot was echoed by others in the audience.
“He would have been elven kebab,
Had it not been for our human lads.
With sword and with fire they did inspire,
One speared a gut, one cleaved a head
One said ‘Men, let’s put this beast to bed.’
And so they did
And so they won,
And so they feasted on hydra lung!”
The crowd rose to their feet, and cheered and clapped, and drank more of the fine ale. Again Val found himself leaning forward as he peered through the crowd at Porky. He went to take another sip of ale, then stopped and looked at Porky, only now realising this tale closely resembled that of Val’s last outing, aside from many of the factual details. Val stood, looking around the barn to see if any of his fellow adventurers were present. They weren’t. And as Val studied the crowd he noticed all he saw were humans. Men and women and children. All humans.
Porky spoke out again, “Do I have a story for you this eve.
With my words I weave,
So do not leave.
Feast on Merrick’s fine ale,
And I will continue my tale.” Porky licked his lips, lengthening out his saga.
“One beast done, but the war was not won.
Our men continued their march.
Throughout the night they did not tire
As the wind howled and the rain poured
They then realised, that the Half-Orc at the back was a terrible bore.”
Val watched the crowd laugh as each rhyme was delivered.
“Ladies and Gentlemen, permit me to set the scene,
They arrived outside a cave, and it was not clean.
Blood and guts,
Skulls and rats,
It stank like a dwarven baff.
The adventures stood outside of the cave,
Again, waiting for our humans to be brave.
But before they entered, they heard a cry,
Not from the Half-Elf this time.
The cry came from within the cavern
A cry of fear, of terror, of pain
And out ran a gnoll, wounded and bloodied,
Past the adventurers it hurried.
It would still be running this eve,
Was it not for an arrow that did cleave.
As the gnoll hit the deck,
The Tiefling quivered, calling out, ‘Oh heck’.” Porky mimicked the trembling of a girl, and the crowded clapped and roared and shouted out.
“What did this gnoll flee?
“I don’t know if you’ll believe.” Porky feigned a laugh to himself.
Val looked on, now leaning against a wall closer to the table. He committed Porky’s shrill city accent, sharp nose, his shaved head and his spider tattoo to memory as he watched on.
“From the darkness came a voice,
Of one the Half-Orc recognised,
The voice spoke out, ‘Half-Orc, Half-Orc - it is I,
The elven lass who caught your eye,
The one with who you wished to lie
And who you left to die.’
That is correct ladies and gents
This beast had sacrificed his love to save himself,
I tell you straight, if you ain’t Human, you’re a melt.
And so, the Half-Orc began to cry,
Until he heard her voice, ‘And now you’re gonna die.’
You heard it right, she was pissed,
She wasn’t gonna give him a kiss.
This elven lass came out of the shadow,
Her skin of black, her fingers long and narrow
Her hair of green, she now wore wings,
Her teeth sharp enough to sting.
And a horde of demons by her side
As she took to air and began to glide.
I know, I know, it doesn’t sound true,
But purely between me and you,
I saw it with my own eyes,
That is right, for Porky never lies.”
Again Porky’s foot stamped on the table, the rhythm echoed around the room.
“These demons were warriors of shadow,
Some with magic, others with bow and arrow,
With swords for arms, and an eye for a head,
All they wanted was our men folk dead.”
Porky’s voice painted vivid pictures in each and every mind in the barn.
“And so the battle began
Between darkness and light,
A human bard sang
As he cut through foes,
Another human warrior fighting toe to toe.
And what of our Half-Elf I hear you ask;
Throw into the air and sitting on his arse.
Still our men fought on,
The Half-Orc just thinking about his shlong
And this undead elf he wanted to fuck.
Well folks, today just weren’t his luck.
One of the shadows cut him in two.
The Tiefling ran, his pants now covered in poo.
Alone against a sea of undead
Our humans fought - it is our butter and our bread.
They fought for Kantas
They fought for you
While the Tiefling was wiping away his poo.
One fiend down, and another
From today I call them my brothers.
Ladies and gents, they are our heros
The men who vanished the undead to zero
All around them, they killed and mained
And so I sing this tale, for their fame!” And with that Porky threw his hands into the air, and the crowd clapped and cheered. The few who were still sitting were now on their feet with everyone else. The small boy at the front was so excited he jumped onto the stage. Porky laughed as he lifted the boy up, and the crowd chanted, “Aye! Aye! Porky Pie! Aye! Aye! Porky Pie!”
Val stood outside, again looking out the to fields, but now they were dark, the moon hidden behind clouds.
“What you looking for - all the girls are in there.”
Val turned to see a silhouette between him and the yellow light coming from the noisy barn. The strong city accent Val had heard all night spoke once more, “You’re a mean looking bastard.”
Val said nothing, as he eyed Porky’s outline, framed by the light behind him.
“You like my story?” Porky cocked his head to the side.
“Where did you hear it?” Val moved so he wasn’t looking toward the light of the barn. Porky’s face was pale in the darkness.
“Didn’t you listen. I didn’t hear it, I was there mate.” Porky glugged Merrick’s ale.
“Really?” Val locked eyes with Porky. He looked deep, and saw what he had seen many times in the alleys of Waterdeep, a dangerous man with nothing to lose.
Val left the noise of the barn behind him as he walked back to town in the darkness.The noise of girls laughing, and men drinking, and Porky’s shrill voice could be hard until the early hours.
