Post by Ser Baine Cinderwood 🔥🌼 on Jul 5, 2020 14:08:52 GMT
It’s late in the evening when Baine’s telltale knock echoes in the Grandmaster’s quarters. A brief pause, and then the half-orc enters. He doesn’t speak - merely takes his usual seat by the fire. Varis watches him for a moment, but when he doesn’t speak, the half-elf returns to his work. Minutes pass in companionable silence, broken only by the crackle of flames and the scratch of the Grandmaster’s pen.
“I need to tell you something. Sorry. I had to work up the courage first.”
Varis glances up and, seeing the look on Baine’s face, sets aside his quill.
“Come sit with me?”
After a brief pause and with the slightest of frowns, the half-elf stands and crosses the room, taking the second seat in front of the fireplace and giving Baine his full attention. The burly warrior takes a breath, slow and calm. He looks composed enough, which in itself is reassuring. They’re all still recovering from the horrible blow dealt to the Order. The past couple of weeks have been calm, and while the Grandmaster knows it won’t last forever, he can’t help but hope for a few more days reprieve before heading back into the fray.
“It’s about when you died,” he says, and Varis’ frown deepens slightly. “After the mines. We brought your body back here and everyone went their separate ways, trying to figure out what to do. I stayed with you, that night.” His gaze falls to the narrow cot in the corner and the floor next to it, lost in memory for a moment.
“Pieni was a mess. He blamed himself. I knew though, I knew with absolute certainty that it was my fault. I was hungry for the glory of victory and thirsty for blood and blinded to the fact that you needed me, and through my inaction, I killed you.”
Varis opens his mouth to respond, but Baine shakes his head and continues, undeterred.
“He was waiting. Had been watching the whole time, probably. He was ready for me. It was so easy to reach out to him.” His eyes meet Varis’ head on, unflinching and solemn.
“That night, I made a deal with Te’Zeer. I signed a contract that would void the one we had with the Rose. It would free you from servitude so we could bring you back, and free all three of us from her forever. All in exchange for Khingo Khan.”
His lips quirk in a pale imitation of a smile.
“That’s not what happened though, you already know that. Sunday did some intense thinking and Rholor was involved somehow with a spell that kept Te’Zeer from scrying on me. They convinced me there was a wiser path to take and I tore up the contract.” He rubs absentmindedly at the mass of scar tissue in his left palm. “The Rose made the new offer - you in exchange for the Tears. And you know the rest.
I know it’s not what you would have wanted, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve kept it from you all this time and I’m sorry for that too. I wasn’t ready to explain myself. I wasn’t ready to tell you why, and then we went back to hell, back to where it all began and all I could think as that deranged bitch rained fire on us was ‘I never told him’.
So now I owe it to both of us to tell you. You deserve to hear it and I deserve to get to say it. I love you. Differently than I should. Not like how a soldier loves a commander or a brother in arms. But I do.
And I think I’ve known for a while now that you don’t.. think about people that way? And that’s okay,” he says, with a sad but genuine smile, “and you don’t have to say or do anything, we don’t have to talk about it ever again. But we’ve been through too much, you and I, for me to keep it from you. So. There it is.”
The fire crackles in the silent room.
“Do you want me to go?”
Varis shakes his head, almost imperceptibly. He seems - for perhaps the first time since Baine has known him - to be genuinely struggling to find the words to express himself, gaze lost in the flames. The moment stretches uncomfortably, and it’s all Baine can do not to blurt out something, anything, just to fill the silence, but he holds his tongue, trying to give the other man time to process what he has just learned. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, Varis looks up and meets his eye.
“I…” he trails off, shaking his head, and tries again. “I have never understood love - at least, not the kind of love you describe. I would give my life for you, Baine. I once even tried to give my soul, fool that I am. There has been little enough joy in my life, but what there has been, I have found in the company of my friends - with you and Sunday, with Tuevel, with Allenby and the children at Thia’s. But I am afraid I cannot be what you perhaps would wish me to be. I…” he stumbles again, frustration at his own inarticulacy written plainly on his face.
“I’m sorry. This cannot have been an easy thing to tell me, and I’m making a mess of things. Whatever else, I would not wish to lose you now. I would not have my...my difference...come between us.”
There is a plaintive quality to his voice that Baine has never heard before. A sadness, and perhaps even a fear, and that fear breaks his heart, worse than any rejection ever could.
He reaches out a hand that’s trembling ever so slightly, grasping for one of Varis’. The other man takes it, squeezing tentatively.
“No. Please don’t. Don’t ever think that. You’re not making a mess, not anymore than I am, anyway. There are so many people in this world like you, people who simply don’t love in that way. That doesn’t make the way you love any less real or any less important.”
His throat is growing tight and he swallows thickly around the emotion - tries to hold back more of the tears that seem so readily available these days, to no avail.
“You have me. No matter what. My mum was right, in a sense - you will be my doom. Because I will live, and fight, and die by your side. But you’ve also been my salvation. You’ve saved me in so many ways I can’t count them all. I don’t ever wanna go. I was worried about making you uncomfortable, I guess.”
Varis gives him a tight smile, but says nothing.
“Well, then I’m gonna stay. And I’m going to help you check and re-check the straps on your harness, and I am going to put my feet on your desk because I have no respect for authority, and I am going to take the piss when you get moody, and I am going to make you regret letting me build those kennels.” He smiles hesitantly through his tears.
“And we will rebuild this Order. And the sun will rise again tomorrow, and over time maybe the love I feel will change into something closer to the love you feel. Would that be alright with you?”
His hand, though trembling, is warm and strong, and unwavering. His friend gives him a shaky nod.
“Yeah. That’d be alright with me.”
Baine breathes, slowly, in and out for a long moment.
“Then it’s alright with me.”
With Varis/G'Lorth/Sundilar 🔥
“I need to tell you something. Sorry. I had to work up the courage first.”
Varis glances up and, seeing the look on Baine’s face, sets aside his quill.
“Come sit with me?”
After a brief pause and with the slightest of frowns, the half-elf stands and crosses the room, taking the second seat in front of the fireplace and giving Baine his full attention. The burly warrior takes a breath, slow and calm. He looks composed enough, which in itself is reassuring. They’re all still recovering from the horrible blow dealt to the Order. The past couple of weeks have been calm, and while the Grandmaster knows it won’t last forever, he can’t help but hope for a few more days reprieve before heading back into the fray.
“It’s about when you died,” he says, and Varis’ frown deepens slightly. “After the mines. We brought your body back here and everyone went their separate ways, trying to figure out what to do. I stayed with you, that night.” His gaze falls to the narrow cot in the corner and the floor next to it, lost in memory for a moment.
“Pieni was a mess. He blamed himself. I knew though, I knew with absolute certainty that it was my fault. I was hungry for the glory of victory and thirsty for blood and blinded to the fact that you needed me, and through my inaction, I killed you.”
Varis opens his mouth to respond, but Baine shakes his head and continues, undeterred.
“He was waiting. Had been watching the whole time, probably. He was ready for me. It was so easy to reach out to him.” His eyes meet Varis’ head on, unflinching and solemn.
“That night, I made a deal with Te’Zeer. I signed a contract that would void the one we had with the Rose. It would free you from servitude so we could bring you back, and free all three of us from her forever. All in exchange for Khingo Khan.”
His lips quirk in a pale imitation of a smile.
“That’s not what happened though, you already know that. Sunday did some intense thinking and Rholor was involved somehow with a spell that kept Te’Zeer from scrying on me. They convinced me there was a wiser path to take and I tore up the contract.” He rubs absentmindedly at the mass of scar tissue in his left palm. “The Rose made the new offer - you in exchange for the Tears. And you know the rest.
I know it’s not what you would have wanted, and I’m sorry for that. I’ve kept it from you all this time and I’m sorry for that too. I wasn’t ready to explain myself. I wasn’t ready to tell you why, and then we went back to hell, back to where it all began and all I could think as that deranged bitch rained fire on us was ‘I never told him’.
So now I owe it to both of us to tell you. You deserve to hear it and I deserve to get to say it. I love you. Differently than I should. Not like how a soldier loves a commander or a brother in arms. But I do.
And I think I’ve known for a while now that you don’t.. think about people that way? And that’s okay,” he says, with a sad but genuine smile, “and you don’t have to say or do anything, we don’t have to talk about it ever again. But we’ve been through too much, you and I, for me to keep it from you. So. There it is.”
The fire crackles in the silent room.
“Do you want me to go?”
Varis shakes his head, almost imperceptibly. He seems - for perhaps the first time since Baine has known him - to be genuinely struggling to find the words to express himself, gaze lost in the flames. The moment stretches uncomfortably, and it’s all Baine can do not to blurt out something, anything, just to fill the silence, but he holds his tongue, trying to give the other man time to process what he has just learned. Finally, after what feels like a lifetime, Varis looks up and meets his eye.
“I…” he trails off, shaking his head, and tries again. “I have never understood love - at least, not the kind of love you describe. I would give my life for you, Baine. I once even tried to give my soul, fool that I am. There has been little enough joy in my life, but what there has been, I have found in the company of my friends - with you and Sunday, with Tuevel, with Allenby and the children at Thia’s. But I am afraid I cannot be what you perhaps would wish me to be. I…” he stumbles again, frustration at his own inarticulacy written plainly on his face.
“I’m sorry. This cannot have been an easy thing to tell me, and I’m making a mess of things. Whatever else, I would not wish to lose you now. I would not have my...my difference...come between us.”
There is a plaintive quality to his voice that Baine has never heard before. A sadness, and perhaps even a fear, and that fear breaks his heart, worse than any rejection ever could.
He reaches out a hand that’s trembling ever so slightly, grasping for one of Varis’. The other man takes it, squeezing tentatively.
“No. Please don’t. Don’t ever think that. You’re not making a mess, not anymore than I am, anyway. There are so many people in this world like you, people who simply don’t love in that way. That doesn’t make the way you love any less real or any less important.”
His throat is growing tight and he swallows thickly around the emotion - tries to hold back more of the tears that seem so readily available these days, to no avail.
“You have me. No matter what. My mum was right, in a sense - you will be my doom. Because I will live, and fight, and die by your side. But you’ve also been my salvation. You’ve saved me in so many ways I can’t count them all. I don’t ever wanna go. I was worried about making you uncomfortable, I guess.”
Varis gives him a tight smile, but says nothing.
“Well, then I’m gonna stay. And I’m going to help you check and re-check the straps on your harness, and I am going to put my feet on your desk because I have no respect for authority, and I am going to take the piss when you get moody, and I am going to make you regret letting me build those kennels.” He smiles hesitantly through his tears.
“And we will rebuild this Order. And the sun will rise again tomorrow, and over time maybe the love I feel will change into something closer to the love you feel. Would that be alright with you?”
His hand, though trembling, is warm and strong, and unwavering. His friend gives him a shaky nod.
“Yeah. That’d be alright with me.”
Baine breathes, slowly, in and out for a long moment.
“Then it’s alright with me.”
With Varis/G'Lorth/Sundilar 🔥
