JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI
Jan 23, 2020 13:59:25 GMT
Grimes, Pieni, and 3 more like this
Post by JJFWXVI on Jan 23, 2020 13:59:25 GMT
“Well,” says JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI, settling himself into the chair by the tavern’s crackling fireplace and tossing his cap upside down on the table beside him. “That is a story and a half, and no mistake. If you would be so kind as to furnish me with a drink, good sir, I’d be delighted to share it with you all. The story, that is - not the drink!”
Gratefully receiving the giant human-sized tankard of ale in both hands, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes a deep gulp before exhaling in satisfaction and setting the mug down on the arm of his chair, looking out over the crowd eyeing him expectantly.
In no danger of ever being called plain, let alone handsome, the gnome’s puffy, crinkled features nonetheless inspired a sense of ease and geniality in those who interacted with him. His wiry hair sticking out at all angles and pale-blue eyes only served to heighten his affable - even comical - appearance, while his mismatched boots and elbow-patched jacket dissuaded even the most-desperate of highway-creatures. Fingerless, scraggly gloves clutching his tankard, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes another sip and nods his thanks to his patron.
“Much obliged to you - my throat was sorely parched. Now, as it goes, our family name was not originally Fortesque Windlepoon - I know, madam, hard to believe - it was actually Crystalfist: of the Vorsthold Crystalfists. But that all changed with my grandfather, Mica Crystalfist.
Old Mica Crystalfist made his money as a go-between, trading goods with you Upsiders on behalf of the gnome families who didn’t want to leave the comforts of home. One day, Mica was making his way back through the mountains above Vorsthold when he was suddenly - nay, savagely! - set upon by a group of lawless ruffians!”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI pauses for a swig of ale before continuing, giving the small but rapt audience time to gasp and mutter briefly to one another.
“They left poor old Mica for dead, they did. And things might have ended badly for him but for a passing holy man who saved my saintly grandfather from certain death. Upon regaining consciousness, Mica asked if he might know the name of his rescuer, to which the noble fellow replied: ‘it's Jonathan, Jonathan Fortesque Windlepoon.’”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes a beat to give the sharper - or soberer - members of his audience a chance to see where this was heading and reward themselves with a knowing chuckle.
“As thanks, for the man would take no money nor gift of any kind, Mica decided to pay his deliverer the greatest gnomish honour possible: he decided to change his, his family’s, and all subsequent generations of his family’s name to that of his saviour. But Mica, not being in full command of his faculties after his ordeal and assuming it to be some curious Upsider tradition, misheard the man, thinking his name to be JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon!
Now, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon, née Mica Crystalfist, already had a number of gnomish sons and daughters - three of each to be precise: Mica Jr., Zook, Wendel, Doree, Jodira, and Arila. However, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon had no sooner arrived home than he changed all of his children’s names in honour of his human benefactor! Adding a different number to the end of each to avoid any more confusion than was strictly necessary, of course.
Unfortunately - and for understandable reasons, one might add - JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon’s wife left him soon after that, leaving poor JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Sr. to look after JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Jr., JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon III, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon IV, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon VI, and JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon VII all by himself.
As the years rolled by, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Sr.’s offspring started to have progeny - that means ‘children’, sir - of their own. All except for JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, who met an untimely and unfortunate end - but that’s another story.
Each time a new scion of the erstwhile-Crystalfist family was born, their birth would be recorded in the Numbering Scroll and the appropriate digits appended to their name. My aunts and uncles - apart from JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, naturally - had eight children before I came along. And so, as is mathematically right and proper, that is why I was born as you find me today: the sixteenth proud owner of the illustrious name: JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon!”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI finishes his story with a flourish, leaping up to stand on the chair and bow low to his audience, some of whom stamp their feet and clap their hands while others roll their eyes and shake their heads at the ridiculous tale. A few coins land in the strategically placed cap with a satisfying clink, and another pint is procured for the pint-sized storyteller...
Gratefully receiving the giant human-sized tankard of ale in both hands, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes a deep gulp before exhaling in satisfaction and setting the mug down on the arm of his chair, looking out over the crowd eyeing him expectantly.
In no danger of ever being called plain, let alone handsome, the gnome’s puffy, crinkled features nonetheless inspired a sense of ease and geniality in those who interacted with him. His wiry hair sticking out at all angles and pale-blue eyes only served to heighten his affable - even comical - appearance, while his mismatched boots and elbow-patched jacket dissuaded even the most-desperate of highway-creatures. Fingerless, scraggly gloves clutching his tankard, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes another sip and nods his thanks to his patron.
“Much obliged to you - my throat was sorely parched. Now, as it goes, our family name was not originally Fortesque Windlepoon - I know, madam, hard to believe - it was actually Crystalfist: of the Vorsthold Crystalfists. But that all changed with my grandfather, Mica Crystalfist.
Old Mica Crystalfist made his money as a go-between, trading goods with you Upsiders on behalf of the gnome families who didn’t want to leave the comforts of home. One day, Mica was making his way back through the mountains above Vorsthold when he was suddenly - nay, savagely! - set upon by a group of lawless ruffians!”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI pauses for a swig of ale before continuing, giving the small but rapt audience time to gasp and mutter briefly to one another.
“They left poor old Mica for dead, they did. And things might have ended badly for him but for a passing holy man who saved my saintly grandfather from certain death. Upon regaining consciousness, Mica asked if he might know the name of his rescuer, to which the noble fellow replied: ‘it's Jonathan, Jonathan Fortesque Windlepoon.’”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI takes a beat to give the sharper - or soberer - members of his audience a chance to see where this was heading and reward themselves with a knowing chuckle.
“As thanks, for the man would take no money nor gift of any kind, Mica decided to pay his deliverer the greatest gnomish honour possible: he decided to change his, his family’s, and all subsequent generations of his family’s name to that of his saviour. But Mica, not being in full command of his faculties after his ordeal and assuming it to be some curious Upsider tradition, misheard the man, thinking his name to be JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon!
Now, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon, née Mica Crystalfist, already had a number of gnomish sons and daughters - three of each to be precise: Mica Jr., Zook, Wendel, Doree, Jodira, and Arila. However, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon had no sooner arrived home than he changed all of his children’s names in honour of his human benefactor! Adding a different number to the end of each to avoid any more confusion than was strictly necessary, of course.
Unfortunately - and for understandable reasons, one might add - JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon’s wife left him soon after that, leaving poor JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Sr. to look after JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Jr., JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon III, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon IV, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon VI, and JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon VII all by himself.
As the years rolled by, JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon Sr.’s offspring started to have progeny - that means ‘children’, sir - of their own. All except for JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, who met an untimely and unfortunate end - but that’s another story.
Each time a new scion of the erstwhile-Crystalfist family was born, their birth would be recorded in the Numbering Scroll and the appropriate digits appended to their name. My aunts and uncles - apart from JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon V, naturally - had eight children before I came along. And so, as is mathematically right and proper, that is why I was born as you find me today: the sixteenth proud owner of the illustrious name: JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon!”
JonathanJonathan Fortesque Windlepoon XVI finishes his story with a flourish, leaping up to stand on the chair and bow low to his audience, some of whom stamp their feet and clap their hands while others roll their eyes and shake their heads at the ridiculous tale. A few coins land in the strategically placed cap with a satisfying clink, and another pint is procured for the pint-sized storyteller...