Party of One - Pieni (14/01/20) + level up writeup

Warnings for depression and implied some kind of abuse/unhealthy relationship. For perspective: pulled from some of my own experiences. Alt Titles: 'The Burden of Time' or 'Pieni gets a therapy animal'. 

--

Dear Gallus, 

I hope you don't mind, but I wanted to write back home, and I consider you a good friend. Tell Jade and Cider and Galahad and Rose and Night-Eye and Madarch and Splitgill and the Carrion Kids and Her and all the others hi from me. Phew, that was a sentence and a half. 

I figure you'd find some inspiration in the stories for your songs. Especially today. You should tell the Druids! I met Khazifa! She's an ancestor of ours. I'm sure the leaders probably knew already, but I guess I missed the memo. We met her in an inn today, it's called the Three-Headed Ettin, I think, to go on a quest to retrieve a gold cylinder to stop a deep thresher or something. She had wild hair and weathered skin, beautiful like an old oak tree, and she was on her second pint of ale, and when asked if she was Daisy's Nan -- another Druid -- she said 'I can be whatever you want me to be'. I would like her to be my friend, I think. 

Some old friends told her they needed a golden cylinder for an ancient device to help with a 'grim thresher'. Bit over my head, but I'll always help if needed.

It did mean going to the shadowfell. I remember that was where they found L, like they found me in Angelbark. Not sure where we came from, we were just there. Perhaps we just spawned? Perhaps I grew from a seed, or hatched out of a rock, like Jade!

Anyway, Baine asked me if I could get us there -- he's a tall warrior half-orc, has a dog called Frankie with a little neckerchief, loyal to a fault -- Baine, I mean, but also the dog. I can't do that yet, which is weird because I brought someone back to life once, but it was pretty soon after they died so I suppose it was more like reeling in a soul on a tether to a new body. Turns out it doesn't matter, 'cause Khazifa had a word with Aurelia (portal wizard angel lady) about getting us over there. Khaz'd come but she had stuff (people) to do. Gave us a scroll of Sending to tell people when to pull us back, said we'd get 200gp for our troubles, sent us on our way. Sans Frankie, unfortunately. I asked him if he wanted to come and he said yip (yep), but interplanar travel is a bit much for a dog. Might get lost. 

Well, not before I asked her where she hangs out usually, and I think the answer is everywhere? Then she stepped through a portal to party, presumably. So cool. Unlike this one guy, Langston, who is also cool but a dick about portals. This is TRUE coolness. 

Portal Plaza was sunny, and then grey when we were portalified to the shadowfell. The dread seeps into you in that place, it really does. I can't imagine being born of it. Traavor (sneaky, alcoholic) looked like the life drained outta him. BB's (big blue firbolg, glitchy magic florist, smarter than she gives herself credit for) flowers wilted, and my frog was green-y grey. Ghesh (toughest lad, cool hat, good heart, weapons rack back) saw some grey light in the distance. Flew up, saw a skull so big I could see it from two miles away, some tiny figures, and this was where the grey light was. Also, Baine and Traavor's boots swapped. Maybe some kind of portal accident?

I chameleoned us and dampened our sound as much as I could. It worked for a while. We got closer to the skull, saw coming from it was the spine and ribs curled up to the sky like when spiders die curled up, and in front of the skull was the grey crystal.

I kicked a stone real loud, and there was a gong, and the spine snaked into the ground and up again with skeleton passengers. I asked and a real giant snake came, latched onto the spine to try and weigh it down, but it was too big, so Bear Stroganoff, my spirit bear friend, came to bless us with strength. I don't remember the order of things, but I remember: 

The spine cracked by crackling lightning, down the centre, by BB's glitch magic, (who oozed slime and then went invisible);

Ghesh and Baine bopped the skeletons off the spine as it passed, one by one, like a rambunctious child violently playing the xylophone;

Taffeta (halfling ranger, a bit hardened by life but nice) shattered several of the snake-spine's vertebrae, fragile as ceramic to her arrows;

The snake bit a shard off, but was beaten 'til it vanished by skellies, soon after which I summoned two newcomers, Crag Cats: Sugar and Spice;

Taff hid behind Baine, I think, who whacked the spine with a display of muscle and grit enough to split the spine in half from fear. 

With the cats batting the skeletons around, Baine and Ghesh grinding them to bone powder, BB throwing spells, and Traavor doing… Something? I can never tell where that guy is. Anyway, we thrashed them, and the cats appreciated some pre-dispelment petting. BB identified the crystal -- turns out it was the 'ennui of victory', keeping the skeletons held here. Taff shot it. Problem solved.

There was a door in the tooth of the skull. Baine and Traav exchanged flasks or something. It's kind of weird how people drink on the job in such a dangerous line of work, but, concurrently, not weird at all. They chilled for a while, talking about what beef means: muscles, a grudge, stroganoff. For some reason, BB has beef with Umberlee. Then, a brief thought in the back of my mind: 'how young we are compared to everything here. How small.' But then I thought back 'well, yeah, I'm eleven years old and four foot two', and banished the shadowfell despair. 

Traav got us in the door. BB, Baine and Ghesh went upstairs to investigate something. The upstairs door shut, some altercation inside, and then Taff vanished through it. Had no clue what was going on, but someone -- I think Baine? -- was trying to get the door open, but the room inside was filled with water and the pressure always keeping it shut.

I turned into a bear. Not something I do much, and not my favoured form -- can't fly in it, and, you know. I brought in an Eagle to direct my strikes, in case I had to swipe at something, and tried to bust open the door, but I tripped and slammed my snout into it instead. Clumsy. Like I said, I don't Wildshape much. Eventually, Baine got the door open long enough for me to push through and flail my claws at things and hope I hit something. It was kind of a blur; Ghesh went down at some point, but he was up again after we defeated the enemies. Don't know what they were exactly, but I think they surrendered after seeing they were going to lose, then disappeared, and we got the cylinder and went back home via Sending for Aurelia to come get us.

It was two days or so before we saw Khazifa again. We gave her the cylinder, and asked if she'd done it (it), and she was wry about it. Then BB asked if she could show us a brontosaurus, and she went out and turned into a huge, elephant-footed lizard, with a long neck and tail, so I can add that to my repertoire.

After everyone else was gone, I asked her if I could get some tips. It's been a while since I last met a Druid of such power, and my power's been stagnating for a while. But this is what she said to me:

"Are you prepared to watch the passing of those you love?" 

I don't know what I was expecting. Gardening tips? Not that. But at the same time, I suppose it's been a question I've been avoiding. It doesn't bother me too much right now, but I've either got nineteen years left or a hundred and ninety and it's hard to prepare for such radically different possibilities. It wasn't something I had a clear answer to. 

But I told her of my mum. My second parent after Angelbark. She always told me she was tired. Living so long in a village of short-lived birdfolk gets to you. She started seeing the same patterns, mistakes made over and over again, history repeating, repeating, repeating… it drove her mad eventually. You might have seen her from the sky, wandering Angelbark, thinking she's a bear. I guess she is, in some ways. That's what happens when you go Feral. When you become one with nature, sometimes you get exactly what you asked for. 

When I told Khazifa that, she smiled, but her eyes were sad. I suppose it must be even worse for her. Dwarves live longer, right? I think that's why she was at that party for so long, doing stuff (horizontal hokey-pokey). A few days is hours to you when you've lived so long. What do you do when you've done everything? When everyone comes into the world screaming and out the same way? How do you hold onto people who slip away so fast? With a Druid's power, you just do whatever you want, I guess. 

She asked me "Most Druids have something to hold onto. Do you have something?" 

I told her I used to have something that I don't now, but I'll try anyway. 

Anyway, this is a bit personal for you, I know, I just can't think of a closer friend. I hope this letter inspires you, and I hope you're adjusting well to your new body, as well as all the other Reincarnates. I know it must be hard not being able to fly any more. I can try and look for spells and items that let you fly, if you want. And don't worry about the Minotaur. I'll deal with them eventually. I just need to get stronger first; I don't know if I'm ready yet. 

Please reply and update me with what's going on back home, sorry I haven't written, 

Pieni. 

--

Pieni wraps up the scroll and gives it to a crow, who he sends flying on its way. He is with Bones in their shared attic room. Their belongings spill over a painted line in the centre of the room, a futile border long forgotten: one side a dragon's hoard of books, jars of bones and teeth, skulls, and carefully-wrapped artifacts; the other a mess of plants, gems, flasks of glowing moss and mushrooms, curled and crumpled scrolls for mapping and sketching, a giant's skull, a jar of eyeballs, and a tank of luminous jellyfish. 

The furnishings are minimal, and in the centre of the room is one circular bed they'd both agreed to share to conserve space. Birdfolk sleep piled in nests, with family, usually, so to Pi it seemed normal, but Bones had made Pieni promise to never speak of it to anyone else, for some reason. Pi chooses not to mention the night terrors Bones has, and Bones pretends not to notice him wildshaping into birds and leaving through the window in the middle of the night.

"Do you want some tea? I've got Goodberry from back home," Pieni asks Bones. 

Bones nods. Pieni says nothing as the kettle boils and Bones does not initiate conversation. He was always quiet and studious, even in his curiosity, quietly disappearing to ruins, temples, tombs, abandoned places, alone for days at a time. Pieni is drawn to living things -- animals, cultures, people, circulating like the blood of a beast through their banal day-to-day, sustaining the beating heart of civilisation.

"What's in this tea?" Bones says as Pieni pours the tea. 

"Um, natural goodberries?" 

"I thought, you lot back home, drinking Madarch's mushroom tea and Cider's mead and getting all kinds of mixed up, writing down whatever introspections you had and calling it Wisdom… was just wondering if this was hardcore Druid tea."

"We didn't do that! Well, we did. But always indoors. Never drink and fly!"

Bones nods. "Or get high in the sky."

"Here," Pieni says, handing Bones one of his small, clay jug-mugs. "100% real, non-drugged goodberry tea, just for you."

They drink in silence for a while. Bones is reading a tome. It looks wizardy. Too complex for Pi. 

"...Why are you here?" Bones finally asks, breaking the silence. 

"Why are /you/ here?" Pi retorts. 

Bones shrugs. "Various reasons."

A moment passes. 

"It's just… you have friends that miss you back home." 

"Not really," Pi says, looking at a potted plant on the windowsill. "L always got jealous when he thought I was closer to someone else than him, so I ended up keeping my distance, at least emotionally." 

"I see," Bones says, turning a page. Then he pauses. "Wait, what?" 

"Anyway, everything there just reminded me of bad stuff, so I left."

"Oooookay," Bones says. 

"You know, I met a Druid today," Pieni says, his mind appearing to be somewhere else. "She was probably even older than Bumblebear. She asked if I had something to hold onto if or when I suddenly become long-lived. I've been thinking about that question for like, five hours."

"I mean, I think everyone's looking for something to live for. I live to be remembered, so I can live forever." 

"Yeah, the whole Ravenite ideology. Holding onto dead things. It never really clicked with me. I think I need things to be alive and here."

"You don't want to hold onto dead things? Excellent. I'll be having the giant's skull, then."

Pieni huffs. "I've told you a million times you can't have it."

"I'm sorry, is /your/ name Bones? Are they /your/ whole thing now? I don't recall."

"It's not about that. I have good memories with that skull… or memories of some kind, anyway."

Pieni pauses, then continues. "I found it in Stoneleaf quarry. These giant people had a tradition of putting gems in the eyes of the dead. The others wanted the gems, so they took them out of the eyes, but I thought it was a shame, so I kept the jar."

"Ah," Bones says, leaning forward. He is three feet taller than Pieni is, so he looms without meaning to. "So you do understand. It's not just… a cool aesthetic. It's about preserving the memories. The story of a person's life is etched into their bones: injuries, cause of death, how long they lived, even what they ate and how it affected their growth. So much can be revealed with study and preservation. And it is the same with people. Even when they are lost, what they leave behind, even lingering memories, keeps them alive."

Pieni sighs. "That's what my mum did, though. She remembered everyone who ever died. You can't hold that much grief inside of you for that long. You have to forget."

"If you taint the memories with grief, then of course they'll hurt." 

"Sorry for having emotions?" 

"Okay, fine. Then just bring back everyone who dies. You're a Druid. You can disrupt the cycle of life whenever you want," Bones says. 

Pieni laughs. "I think your god would send her ravens after me if I did that."

"So bring back one person. I heard..."

Pieni shakes his head. "I made my choice long ago. I let her die, and my old self with her. Maybe when I have the power, I might, but... I don't think I can do that life any more. I'm not like Taffeta."

Bones cocks his head. "Who's Taffeta?" 

"She's this halfling lady. A half-in, half-out lady. Because she seems to be able to blink between dimensions or something."

Bones is silent. 

"...Anyway, we were sort of friends, maybe, once."

"Okay, so scry for your mate. That's a thing Druids can do. You were going on about wanting him back. The means to do so is already in your lap, and suddenly you won't do it?"

Pieni avoids his eyes. "No, I need a thing for that. And, uh, I don't want to. Not yet."

"Why?" Bones growls. "You have the power to change things. You have living things to hold onto. If you want them back, go get them and don't let go."

"No."

Bones throws his hands up in frustration. "Okay, well, damn yourself to an extended mortality of misery, then."

"That's not how --" Pieni stops himself from raising his voice. "Ugh. You wouldn't get it."

"Fine, don't explain anything."

"/Fine/."

Bones reads his book.

They both drink their tea. 

"Tastes nice," Bones grumbles.

"You're welcome," Pieni mutters. "I'm going out."

And he leaves. 

--

Pieni carries the note always. He doesn't have the focus through which to scry, but he can use this when he gets one. If he gets one. It's winter, so the sun's been down for a while, but the sky is clear, the air is salty, and the moon shines bright. It was left for him in his dwelling after everything that happened. He's read it a million times. He reads it again, on the edge of a cliff. 

"Dear Pieni:

I am so sorry for everything that I've done. Thank you for asking the Druids to consider my situation, but after the mess I caused, I know I am set for exile. Even though I can talk to you with my own words now, I cannot bear to face you and the anger you must feel; or, worse, if you were to still forgive me after everything, even though I do not deserve it. 

You helped me to turn my life around, and gave me friends, and a fledgling, and by all means I should have been satisfied with what I had. But I was dismayed that, even under the best conditions, I still felt so melancholy all the time. So I became bitter and unkind, especially to you. I was angry at everyone for not somehow solving all my problems, so I started looking for other things. All sorts of spells, potions, addictions, dark secrets… 

I did not make the deal out of malice. I was in a bad mindset, and they came to me in the middle of the night, and I made a mistake. But I thought, if I could get power and knowledge, I could purge myself of this unending misery, and I could be a better mate to you.

But I was not. I was angry at you for not working to extend your lifespan, because you would age and die decades before I would, and I would truly be alone. I did not consider the context of what was going on with your mother. I could only think of my own sadness, because that was all that was left in me. 

When the Minotaurs attacked, I swear to you, I summoned the demon to defend her. I didn't mean to lose control of it. Perhaps you will bring her back. Perhaps you will never see her again. I am sorry to leave you to mourn on your own, but I am going very far away, and I ask that you do not look for me. It would be bad for us both. Perhaps I will turn my life around and come back to you a better bird, but until then, please try to live your life not defined by me. 

I love you. I'm sorry. 

Lachrymose."

Pieni slowly inhales the fresh ocean air of Port Ffirst. 

"I am sorry to leave you to mourn on your own," Pieni scoffs, then yells, voice cracking, "Then don't do it, idiot!" 

He scrunches the paper and raises his arm to throw it off the side of the cliff, but a hand grabs his wrist before he can. It's Bones. He hadn't heard him coming. 

"Don't do something you might regret."

Pieni rolls his eyes. "You're right. I, a winged person, came to the edge of a cliff to end it all."

"I meant getting rid of that memento. Or whatever it is."

"Oh," Pieni says. Bones pretends not to notice the wetness around his eyes. It's the ocean spray. 

"Yup," Bones says, sitting down next to him. 

"Shadowfell makes a person morbid, I guess. What are you doing here?" 

"You've been gone for two days. I had to come looking for you. Wasn't hard. You know bears aren't blue, right?" 

"Oh, right," Pieni replies. "I think I fell asleep somewhere in Wildshape form, and it's all a blur from there."

Bones takes a long breath. "Right. Well. Anyway, I had an idea," Bones says, unearthing the time he was reading earlier from his bag. "It's in one of the books I've been reading. You've probably seen it before."

Bones opens the book on the floor of the cliff face. Pieni squints. The book has some weird glyphs, and the text Find Familiar. 

"Ah, this is wizard stuff, Bones," Pieni says, looking away bashfully. "You know I'm not smart enough for that kind of thing."

"This is a spell about summoning an animal. Seems in your ballpark. That Night-Eye has one, too. You know, the seeing-eye animal?"

"Oh! Yeah, I guess that is what it is. I mean, I can try to learn the spell, but why?" Pieni asks. 

"You were talking about stuff to hold onto. And Angelbark's your mother or something, right? The fey. You could summon one of the fey from there, permanently. That's a good thing to hold onto, at least for now. An alive thing."

"That's…" Pieni stops, thinking for a while. "That's a really good idea."

"Good. Then we'll get started."

Pieni jerks back. "What, right now?" 

"Why not? I brought the components." 

And so they get to work. It's a little awkward teaching something he doesn't fully understand himself -- it's more that he's helping Pieni learn, really. The first time he tries to summon something, nothing happens. Then he asks Pieni to 'tell it to flip a page', and the page flips. Somehow, Pieni did the maths wrong and summoned an Unseen Servant instead. 

"Well, I'm not sure how that happened, but let's try again."

Pieni peers at Bones. He hadn't known him to be so patient back in the village. He was explosive, and mean, and rejected all attempts at social interaction, much like a wild animal. 

"I'll get it eventually. Hey, Bones?" Pieni asks. 

"Yes?" 

Pieni stands up from where he was reading, and spreads out his arms. "Get down here."

Bones' feathers fluff a little. "Uh… you're too small. If I hugged you, I'd crush you."

"Please, you're so malnourished under all those feathers a stiff wind could blow you off this cliff. If you don't want to, it's okay."

"No, it's okay, I… want to? I guess," Bones says, leaning down, and Pieni initiates the hug. 

Bones seems to flinch. "I'm… never sure where to put my hands." 

"On my back? Good Oak-Father, you are repressed. Imagine you're clinging onto a log."

Bones copies the motion. After a moment, they pull apart, and Pieni pats him as high as he can reach. "You're doing great, Bones."

"...Thanks." Bones clears his throat. "Let's go home and continue."

And they leave.